The Authentic Me

Ive been following a blog called Overexposed and Underdeveloped. I love the many posts they have by many different writers! They have all been talking about work lately and today I really loved  a post by Carmen Farrell..the idea of work being incorporated not as a real job we get paid for but one that helps us be ourselves, the work of being ourselves 100%..You can find that blog here.

This is something i’ve been struggling with my whole life! My husband and I were laying in bed the other night and we had a really long conversation about everything and nothing. He liked me when were were younger. He was my brothers best friend and the thought of dating him wasn’t even in my head. I wanted to know why he liked me then..maybe it would be the same reasons as now. But of coarse im a different person now..he said he liked me mostly because he was surrounded by ass holes and i was so nice to everyone. Yeah that sounds like me still..but im no where near as nice as i used to be. i dont let people walk all over me now..He also said that he liked my laugh then. I said what about my laugh now? My laugh was much higher pitched then. Now its different, more controlled i said. And it made me think of how different i really am from my 15 year old self. I tried to be my best self then but i was riddled with the thoughts of everyone else and tried to please everyone that i could, even myself..but i often ended up unhappy. If i even said a cuss word people looked shocked! My mother even said it wasnt who i was. Now i cuss without hesitation and usually never care..but there are times when i catch myself and wonder if i really am someone who could do without cussing..maybe but i havent stopped. 

I feel like ive been following someone elses lead my whole life. In middle school i desperately wanted to be liked. I left all my friends in Ohio and moved to North Carolina after my Dad died. I didnt know anyone, i was chubby and we weren’t rich so i couldnt get on any sports teams like i played in Ohio. I wanted to be skinny and i even starved myself for months to become so. Then people noticed me and liked me. People commented on how skinny i got and how pretty i was now. But even after all that i still looked at the girls around me, looked at myself, then still wished i were different. I never liked myself and wished i could better, skinnier, prettier. My inner self never mattered to me, just my appearance. I also met a boy who i went to church for and found my Faith in God. I thought by finding God i could be my 100% best. It hasn’t made me that but it has gotten me close, i found a new love for people, for wanting to help and accept all people. I went on mission trips and found a heart for service. I so desperately wanted to save the world. Even after getting that close to being a good me..i still felt empty. I still felt like i needed to impress people. I had to be nice always, choose things based on everyone else’s thoughts and opinions.

High school came around and it was a lot like Middle school. Impressing, being nice. Then i decided not to be..in 10th grade i dated a boy no one liked, he changed me, saw through what everyone else failed to see. i was an imposter. doing what everyone else wanted and not what i really felt i should do. I cussed more and did what i wanted. My mom could not, for the life of her understand why i liked him over other boys i dated. But she let it go. Then we moved back to Ohio. I was like a ghost coming back from the dead and reliving what life was like without me for 5 years. I knew faces and they knew me but no one cared to talk to me, or remember we had once been friends. Until a boy younger than me took notice of me and i him(eventually) and i followed his lead. I started drinking,,something i said id never do..even smoked weed (also thought id die before doing)..my weekends were full of people partying in my house and i loved it! i loved having friends and being surrounded by people and being accepted. I also let go of my soul. It started suffering the moment i said yes to things i knew weren’t in my morals. like smoking and having sex (that i thought meant something at first then just became what we did). I felt like i was spiraling downwards and i didn’t know who i was and i sure wasn’t nice and definitely not my best. 

I went on to college and for the first two years i struggled immensely with the version of myself that i was with that boy, and who i was with the friends i had made there. Of coarse we drank and acted silly but they were the best people i knew! i didnt know why God blessed me with such good people but he did and i was so happy to find them all. But at the other end i was being dragged down fast. It was so emotionally draining that i started getting depressed, then the panic attacks came on quick! back and forth x100000 and finally i stopped and realized i was not going to be who i needed unless i let go. and i did. It was hard but i did it with the help of my family. I finally started feeling good. like myself whoever she was! I started talking to my husband and he helped me see what true love was like, i could tell him anything about me and he never wanted me to change or be anything than the 100% authentic me. 

But being married and now being a wife means i have to consider peoples thoughts and make decisions as a team and frankly i hate it. i like making decisions for them but not for him to make decisions for me! lol

I thought about that laugh i had..i remember it. People always told me i had a cute laugh..it was carefree, spirited, now its controlled. I dont know how to find the 100% authentic me..but this is what i know about her:

• i love to laugh..even if its controlled
• I love God even though i dont know where to find him lately. and i dont believe in everthing the bible says or even if jesus is the only way to heaven. i think theres truths in all religions.
• I definitely hate being told what to do and what my decision will be
• and by judging all the times i just had to spell check..she cant spell either! lol
• i wanna serve people and be 100% nice and mean it.
• i hate when people tell me im wrong or facts are wrong when i know them to be 100% true and when they continue to say im wrong after ive given the evidence that im right!
• i guess the previous means im stubborn!
• I love Yoga and Buddhist ideals..even though im not ready to take them on as my own
• i love being a mom and wife even when it means sacrificing things i want
• i will sacrifice everything for the people i love
• i will hold my family together when they want to fall apart
• i wont pretend to like anyone that i dont but i will be polite because im not mean unless your mean to me first

Watercolors!!

Here I am trying to dabble in watercolors! I”ve never tried them before and i find it very challenging! i like to be in control and this is me letting go and trying to feel the medium and see what i can do with it! i used some blowing techniques i found and used some salt too. Dont Judge if im terrible lol I def need to work on it!

Daily Quote-Pride and Prejudice

 “In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.” Elizabeth’s astonishment was beyond expression. She stared, coloured, doubted, and was silent. This he considered sufficient encouragement, and the avowal of all that he felt and had long felt for her, immediately followed. He spoke well, but there were feelings besides those of the heart to be detailed, and he was not more eloquent on the subject of tenderness than of pride. His sense of her inferiority—of its being a degradation—of the family obstacles which judgment had always opposed to inclination, were dwelt on with a warmth which seemed due to the consequence he was wounding, but was very unlikely to recommend his suit”

Elizabeth was much too embarrassed to say a word. After a short pause, her companion added, “You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever.” Elizabeth feeling all the more than common awkwardness and anxiety of his situation, now forced herself to speak; and immediately, though not very fluently, gave him to understand, that her sentiments had undergone so material a change, since the period to which he alluded, as to make her receive with gratitude and pleasure, his present assurances.”

Religious life is life

excerpt from “Living Buddha, Living Christ” by Thich Nhat Hanh

 

Twenty years ago at a conference I attended of theologians and professors of religion, an Indian Christian friend told the assembly, “We are going to hear about the beauties of several traditions, but that does not mean that we are going to make fruit salad”. When it came my turn to speak, I said, “Fruit salad can be delicious! I have shared the Eucharist with Father Daniel Berrigan, and our worship became possible because of the sufferings we Vietnamese and Americans shared over many years”. Some of the Buddhists present were shocked to hear I had participated in the Eucharist, and many Christians seemed truly horrified. To me, religious life is life. I do not see any reason to spend one’s whole life tasting just one kind of fruit. We human beings can be nourished by the best values of many traditions.

 

Professor Hans Kung has said, “Until there is peace between religions, there can be no peace in the world”. People kill and are killed because they cling too tightly to their own beliefs and ideologies. When we believe that ours is the only faith that contains the truth, violence and suffering will surely be the result. The second precept of the Order of Interbeing, founded within the Zen Buddhist tradition during the war in Vietnam, is about letting go of views: “Do no think the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. Learn and practice non-attachment from views in order to be open to receive others’ viewpoints”.  To me, this is the most essential practice of peace.

My Best Creation Yet! Part 2

Now that I have shared the Birth details with you..i wanna share with you what it feels like now that my best creation yet has arrived and been with me for 3 weeks now! 

When i paint or draw i always have this sense of accomplishment and pride that comes when i’ve finished it. I always think, “wow i made that” or “that turned out better than i thought” and sometimes i’m unhappy with them and i work and work til the art work is exactly what i want it to be! But there is something in my child that fills me with a sense of pride and accomplishment that i’ve never been given before. It may be because without thinking, i created something beautiful. I cant find one flaw in her that i can rework or change a million times. Her fingers and toes are so tiny and delicate and i cant stop kissing them! Her eyes are so wandering and her head bobbles a lot! But i cant imagine a more beautiful little girl and God gave me her! 

I don’t think anyone ever prepared me for the love that i am filled with every time i look at her.’ When i married my husband i thought i knew the extent to which love reaches, but Myla has shown me how much farther that love and love in general can be deepened. I look in her little eyes and i just dont know how much i can love anyone as much as i love her. When i look at Michael holding her and the smile he has when he looks at her it warms my heart and sometimes brings tears to my eyes. I couldnt be any luckier than right now!

I think she has taught me how deep love runs, and what i am capable of in life. No other creation of mine has taught me so much about myself, about Michael or about what we want out of life.  My love for Michael is so strong and is transformed every time i see him hold her or talk to her or give her “daddy kisses” (he kisses her a bunch of times all over her face) his heart is big and amazing and one day when she looks up him and says “daddy” my heart will leap with joy because i know how much love shes going to fill him with and how much shes going to love him back. She already looks up at him like hes the most amazing thing shes seen. That alone makes my love for them both implant it my heart and its growing roots that will strengthen over time and never be shaken. 

Every night i hope and pray that God has an amazing life planned for us and our family. I hope he watches over her and allows my creation and his creation to become a blossom that flourishes and never grows weary in this world. I know Michael and I will guide her into what she will become and i can only hope that she allows God to lead her too. I hope this creation changes the world with her heart and with her soul, i hope her smile lights up someones day and i hope she never utters a mean word that breaks someones spirit! This creation in unfinished…But Michael and I have a great start and i Hope we continue to make her into something amazing. 

Even if she is needy and exhausting right now i cant wait to see what kind of person she becomes!

H.W.B

From Henry Ward Beecher:

 

“It pleased God to reveal to my wandering soul the idea that it was his nature to love a man in his sins for the sake of helping him out of them; that he did not do it out of compliment to Christ, or to a law, or to a plan of salvation, but from the fullness of his great heart; that he was a Being not made mad by sin, but sorry; that he was not furious with wrath toward the sinner, but pitied him–in short that he felt toward me as my mother felt toward me, to whose eyes my wrong-doing brought tears, who never pressed me so close to her was when I had done wrong, and who would fain with her yearning love lift me out of trouble. And when I found that Jesus Christ had such a disposition, and that when his disciples did wrong he drew them closer to him than he did before–and when pride, and jealousy, and rivalry, and all vulgar and worldly feelings rankled in their bosoms, he opened his heart to them as a medicine to heal these infirmaries; when I found out that it was Christ’s nature to lift men out of weakness to strength, out of impurity to goodness, out of everything low and debasing to superiority, I felt that I had found a God”.

An Explanation

Lets just say today has not started off right and I don’t think it will be improving in the next few hours! BUT! I was enlightened by a blog posted by Messy Canvas called I Want to Explain. She was  feeling exactly what i am at this exact moment! I’m so grateful for this blog world and how connected and understood i feel by people who go through things that i do!

Do i feel the need to constantly explain myself so people will like me and accept me? Yes, everyday…Do i like that the one time i feel like i shouldn’t have to explain myself that i still have to? NO! But i do anyways. I hate it! So if i made a list of all the things i have to explain, or feel the need to explain it would look like this

• why i’m not a social person
• why i’m nice to everyone including people i don’t like
• why i get scammed a lot 
• why i took classes outside of my “religious beliefs”
• why i took a sociology class just so i can get experience in working with the people we learn about
• why i feel it necessary to defend homeless people
• why i get upset easily
• my whole life sometimes
• experiences i’ve had that made me who i am
• how i can spend a whole day reading
• somedays i don’t feel like talking to anyone
• why i would help people and serve people for free
• why i make mistakes
• why im not perfect
• why i love so deeply 
• why family is my first priority
• why i agree with parts of other faiths and have incorporated them into my own
• why i hug some of my best friends and not others
• why i dont like being smothered
• why i expect people to treat me like i treat them even if its unrealistic

Thats about all i have for now 🙂

It is better to create than to learn! Creating is the essence of life.
-Julius Caesar

Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
-George Bernard Shaw

As we become purer channels for God’s light, we develop an appetite for the sweetness that is possible in this world. A miracle worker is not geared toward fighting the world that is, but toward creating the world that could be.
-Marianne Williamson

The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.
-Mitch Albom

Progression!

This week marks 32 weeks of Pregnancy! I cant believe my Myla will be here in just 8 short weeks! it seems so close  but so far! Today we signed up to take the child birthing classes! I hope she doesnt come before i can learn all i need to! I want her to be here now but i think she has some growing to do! The doctor said shes only 4lbs this week! Thats sooo tiny! So in celebration of 32 weeks i thought id share how big my belly has grown these 32 weeks!

Gosh my belly has gotten big! i hope you enjoy this as much as i do!

Hello New Year!

I haven’t kept up with my Blog since September because so much has happened in my life that thrust me into a new phase to prepare me for this year. So to Start im going to say GOODBYE! to all the things that 2011 brought and usher myself forward into 2012 with this blog I recently read from Shelby 🙂 2012 Love List.

Goodbye 2011!

Goodbye Ohio! I finally moved to Imperial Beach Ca to live with my husband, Michael who is in the Navy! We live ten minutes from Tijuana (which is kind of scarey) and like 2 seconds from the most beautiful beach I’ve seen yet! And Yes i said Husband! we finally got married in Sept. 2011! it wasn’t the wedding we planned buttt..it was the most meaningful and beautiful ceremony performed by a notary. And we are expecting our first baby girl to arrive in March! Her name is Myla! We have our own apartment which i plan on decorating with paintings and millions of pictures!!! I love cooking now and finding new recipies to try out! I recently made an apple crisp and it was amazing!!

Goodbye Capital University! I finally Graduated! All of my hard work to graduate early finally paid off! I spent countless hours stressing out, freaking out, panicking and crying but it was all worth it in the end. I get to walk across that stage in May! Then this summer i will take online classes to get my masters to become an LPC. I’m excited that another phase of my life is beginning!

So here is my 2012 Love List!

start blogging again

create a painting for my living room

decorate our apartment more

become a mommy and do the best i can raising her

walk with all my friends at Graduation Commencement in May

Be a good wife

Find a church

meet new people

stay connected with my Besties! and maybe meet a new friend

start school in the summer and make good grades!

Read a ton of new books!

Relax and enjoy life

Take a trip to Green Gables with all my friends!

Take a trip to LA! and see all the cool sights and tourist attractions