Tag Archives: life

The Authentic Me

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Ive been following a blog called Overexposed and Underdeveloped. I love the many posts they have by many different writers! They have all been talking about work lately and today I really loved  a post by Carmen Farrell..the idea of work being incorporated not as a real job we get paid for but one that helps us be ourselves, the work of being ourselves 100%..You can find that blog here.

This is something i’ve been struggling with my whole life! My husband and I were laying in bed the other night and we had a really long conversation about everything and nothing. He liked me when were were younger. He was my brothers best friend and the thought of dating him wasn’t even in my head. I wanted to know why he liked me then..maybe it would be the same reasons as now. But of coarse im a different person now..he said he liked me mostly because he was surrounded by ass holes and i was so nice to everyone. Yeah that sounds like me still..but im no where near as nice as i used to be. i dont let people walk all over me now..He also said that he liked my laugh then. I said what about my laugh now? My laugh was much higher pitched then. Now its different, more controlled i said. And it made me think of how different i really am from my 15 year old self. I tried to be my best self then but i was riddled with the thoughts of everyone else and tried to please everyone that i could, even myself..but i often ended up unhappy. If i even said a cuss word people looked shocked! My mother even said it wasnt who i was. Now i cuss without hesitation and usually never care..but there are times when i catch myself and wonder if i really am someone who could do without cussing..maybe but i havent stopped. 

I feel like ive been following someone elses lead my whole life. In middle school i desperately wanted to be liked. I left all my friends in Ohio and moved to North Carolina after my Dad died. I didnt know anyone, i was chubby and we weren’t rich so i couldnt get on any sports teams like i played in Ohio. I wanted to be skinny and i even starved myself for months to become so. Then people noticed me and liked me. People commented on how skinny i got and how pretty i was now. But even after all that i still looked at the girls around me, looked at myself, then still wished i were different. I never liked myself and wished i could better, skinnier, prettier. My inner self never mattered to me, just my appearance. I also met a boy who i went to church for and found my Faith in God. I thought by finding God i could be my 100% best. It hasn’t made me that but it has gotten me close, i found a new love for people, for wanting to help and accept all people. I went on mission trips and found a heart for service. I so desperately wanted to save the world. Even after getting that close to being a good me..i still felt empty. I still felt like i needed to impress people. I had to be nice always, choose things based on everyone else’s thoughts and opinions.

High school came around and it was a lot like Middle school. Impressing, being nice. Then i decided not to be..in 10th grade i dated a boy no one liked, he changed me, saw through what everyone else failed to see. i was an imposter. doing what everyone else wanted and not what i really felt i should do. I cussed more and did what i wanted. My mom could not, for the life of her understand why i liked him over other boys i dated. But she let it go. Then we moved back to Ohio. I was like a ghost coming back from the dead and reliving what life was like without me for 5 years. I knew faces and they knew me but no one cared to talk to me, or remember we had once been friends. Until a boy younger than me took notice of me and i him(eventually) and i followed his lead. I started drinking,,something i said id never do..even smoked weed (also thought id die before doing)..my weekends were full of people partying in my house and i loved it! i loved having friends and being surrounded by people and being accepted. I also let go of my soul. It started suffering the moment i said yes to things i knew weren’t in my morals. like smoking and having sex (that i thought meant something at first then just became what we did). I felt like i was spiraling downwards and i didn’t know who i was and i sure wasn’t nice and definitely not my best. 

I went on to college and for the first two years i struggled immensely with the version of myself that i was with that boy, and who i was with the friends i had made there. Of coarse we drank and acted silly but they were the best people i knew! i didnt know why God blessed me with such good people but he did and i was so happy to find them all. But at the other end i was being dragged down fast. It was so emotionally draining that i started getting depressed, then the panic attacks came on quick! back and forth x100000 and finally i stopped and realized i was not going to be who i needed unless i let go. and i did. It was hard but i did it with the help of my family. I finally started feeling good. like myself whoever she was! I started talking to my husband and he helped me see what true love was like, i could tell him anything about me and he never wanted me to change or be anything than the 100% authentic me. 

But being married and now being a wife means i have to consider peoples thoughts and make decisions as a team and frankly i hate it. i like making decisions for them but not for him to make decisions for me! lol

I thought about that laugh i had..i remember it. People always told me i had a cute laugh..it was carefree, spirited, now its controlled. I dont know how to find the 100% authentic me..but this is what i know about her:

  • i love to laugh..even if its controlled
  • I love God even though i dont know where to find him lately. and i dont believe in everthing the bible says or even if jesus is the only way to heaven. i think theres truths in all religions.
  • I definitely hate being told what to do and what my decision will be
  • and by judging all the times i just had to spell check..she cant spell either! lol
  • i wanna serve people and be 100% nice and mean it.
  • i hate when people tell me im wrong or facts are wrong when i know them to be 100% true and when they continue to say im wrong after ive given the evidence that im right!
  • i guess the previous means im stubborn!
  • I love Yoga and Buddhist ideals..even though im not ready to take them on as my own
  • i love being a mom and wife even when it means sacrificing things i want
  • i will sacrifice everything for the people i love
  • i will hold my family together when they want to fall apart
  • i wont pretend to like anyone that i dont but i will be polite because im not mean unless your mean to me first

Hello New Year!

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I haven’t kept up with my Blog since September because so much has happened in my life that thrust me into a new phase to prepare me for this year. So to Start im going to say GOODBYE! to all the things that 2011 brought and usher myself forward into 2012 with this blog I recently read from Shelby 🙂 2012 Love List

Goodbye 2011!

Goodbye Ohio! I finally moved to Imperial Beach Ca to live with my husband, Michael who is in the Navy! We live ten minutes from Tijuana (which is kind of scarey) and like 2 seconds from the most beautiful beach I’ve seen yet! And Yes i said Husband! we finally got married in Sept. 2011! it wasn’t the wedding we planned buttt..it was the most meaningful and beautiful ceremony performed by a notary. And we are expecting our first baby girl to arrive in March! Her name is Myla! We have our own apartment which i plan on decorating with paintings and millions of pictures!!! I love cooking now and finding new recipies to try out! I recently made an apple crisp and it was amazing!!

Goodbye Capital University! I finally Graduated! All of my hard work to graduate early finally paid off! I spent countless hours stressing out, freaking out, panicking and crying but it was all worth it in the end. I get to walk across that stage in May! Then this summer i will take online classes to get my masters to become an LPC. I’m excited that another phase of my life is beginning!

So here is my 2012 Love List!

start blogging again

create a painting for my living room

decorate our apartment more

become a mommy and do the best i can raising her

walk with all my friends at Graduation Commencement in May

Be a good wife

Find a church

meet new people 

stay connected with my Besties! and maybe meet a new friend

start school in the summer and make good grades!

Read a ton of new books!

Relax and enjoy life

Take a trip to Green Gables with all my friends!

Take a trip to LA! and see all the cool sights and tourist attractions

 

 

 

Gods Blessings

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Last night was a much needed night of praising God and singing his praises. I wish it didnt take a trip to Candlelight to realize that even through hard times and stressful times God has been blessing me… I wish singing songs of praise werent the things that made me realize this, but maybe its just what my heart needed. Prayer is hard when i have a million worries running in my head, i cant concentrate long enough to tell God what im really feeling…but singing someone elses words and letting them be mine to allows everything else to fade away and all of a sudden i am filled with peace and i actually slept peacefully last night.

God has surely blessed me and i think i will take time to say these things that i am so thankful for!

  • My family and my friends (even though im too busy to see them they understand and remain there for me when i need them  Thankyou!)
  • My fiance (even though hes thousands of miles away he reminds me everyday that he loves me and i know in my heart he does. I know God has chosen him for me and sometimes i forget that hes in this with me and im not alone 🙂
  • My Jobs that god gives to me gracefully allowing me to afford to live
  • My volunteering that teaches me to be lighter hearted and more childlike
  • My car
  • My life in general
  • The people in my life, professors, friends, bosses who teach me things ive never known before, who teach me to look within myself and to cultivate my soul
  • the future i have that will be bright because God is continuosly guiding me and showing me the path i should walk on
  • school..its stressful and hard but im soo thankful for the scholarships and financial aid that comes from generous people who believe in students like me..im also thankful that bc of school i have learned so much about myself that i can confidently say i know who i am deep down
  • the weather
  • the sunshine 🙂
  • good food
  • a home/place to live
  • love

Heres a song i just heard last night and i loved it 🙂 enjoy!

I hope we never forget that we are more than ourselves and God created us for much more than our own selfish needs!

Day 20 and 21

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Day 20 is a picture of somewhere youd like to travel..i dont want to repeat myself especially since they are all in the dream journal section of my Blog…so check it out! 🙂

so ill skip to Day 21!

A picture of something you wish you could forget

I Know its ridiculous but theres nothing in my life that i wish to forget…i love every moment of my life because it happened, and its made me who i am. Theres not one person who hurt me, no words said, no event that has happened to me that id choose to forget. At some point in my life i chose everything i did. I didnt do it absent mindedly. I chose knowing full well the consequences and how it would effect other people. Theres not a single relationship that i would choose to forget because i wanted to be with that person or friend, but people change and so do our beliefs, needs, and wants. So to do those relationships change, each different in their own ways and each important to who i am.

 

I really do believe everything happens for a reason…And all the choices i wish i had made i forget about them because i know that they werent what was meant for me…I always forgive and i never forget! Even if ive tried to forget things its almost impossible for me because i can picture my memeories as if they were happening right in front of me. I think its one thing i hate! Everything, and all my memories are so vivid that when i remember them i know exactly how i felt in that moment. and i can feel the joy or hurt that that memory causes me and it can make me feel that way the rest of the day…its like they haunt me. weird..i know! lol

 

Would You Want To Live Forever?

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Daily Topic: If you could live forever would you? why or why not?

Thinking of forever..its a really long time! But i say it all the time!  i love you forever! i hope were friends forever…but forever isnt what were saying. What were realy saying is i love you until death seperates us and ill be your friend until life circumastances and death seperate us. But what if forever really meant forever? I think of all the wonderful things i could do! i could see the whole world and then some! But i would never want to live forever! I would watch everyone i love die and then have to start all over every generation, i wouldnt really be living in that since.

It reminds me of Peter Pan. Before Wendy decides to fly off with him into the night he says “Come with me and you’ll never have to grow up or do grown up things!” she smiles and says, “that would be an awefully big adventure!” and flys away with him…yet at the end we see that reversed as he looks into the window and says, “to live would be a very big adventure…” and flys away…

The whole point of life is that it is short and in that amount of time we are given we can choose how to live it…im not afraid to die or afraid of all the things that come with life! im ready to embrace them, not live them over and over trying to do them differently each time. I dont wanna watch everyone i love die…i want to die along with them. I hope i live a very long life but i wanna see my grandchildren out live me not the other way around! I know these vampire stories glorify never dying but i dont think thats what we were created for! personally im looking forward to dying so that i can spend eternity with my heavenly father 🙂

Dream Job

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from Thom Mote, LPC I want to counsel adolescents who have addictions or who are in juvenile corrections. I know that it is a huge task and very very challenging, and at times i will see no change or see how i have made any difference in the lives of my patients, but i would risk any hint of self gratification to see change in at least one persons life. I want to help guide them back onto the path they veered off.

 When im in the shower i think a lot! Its a moment of solitude that sometimes i dont get. I was thinking of the ways that i could help that ohers have not done before. Being a counselor has many ethical boundaires. How do i change lives within boundaires? How do i show these adolescents that they are heading down a bad path without compromising those ethics and my job? I think id want to do something drastic to open their eyes. Thats what teenagers need..confrontation and a hit in the face with reality. I most think id want to take juveniles to a larger prison and have them sit with men who were once in the same places as they were, maybe to a cemetary where a family will tell them how their loved one died living the lifestyle that the teen is..even for addicts too. Maybe visit a morgue or funeral home, they see many people come through and they can give some insight as to how many deaths they see from over doses and drug misuse, or from participating in criminal acts. I think that if i were in their positions i would never want to do bad things again…but then again some people have a hard time changing habits…So why not show them good habits? Why not show them how to spend their free times so that they are bettering their lives and the lives of others? Taking them to a homeless shelter and allowing them to serve as well as speak with the people who live there. Maybe a halfway house where addicted mothers are trying to get back into society or maybe exconvicts. Maybe volunteering for Habitat for Humanity, building houses for those who are less fortunate. I want not only to counsel but to show them how. I can always say..go to this place and volunteer…but what will that do? Most will say, “why dont you?” So doing it alongside them while counseling them about emotions and thoughts during the process might be much more effective…..

So many ideas in my head! Now the task will be to find a way to accomplish all of these!

Day 9

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A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most..

I dont have a picture of the person who has gotten me through the most becuase…i dont honestly know what he looks like! I know i will see the face of God when i die and i will thank him as i do everyday for blessing me and for listening to my complaints, my shouts of anger, for turning my back on him and closing my heart to his requests. I will stand in full awe of his glory and weep at his awesomeness! And i will praise him for being a God who never forsake me when i had forsaken him…

Day 8

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A picture that makes you laugh

Every time i look at these two pictures i laugh! My Sister Courtney is one of the funniest people i know! she has all these wonderful facial expressions and cracks jokes whenever possible! she has made me laugh in times when nothing in the world seemed to make me happy. This trip to Charleston Falls she was so unhappy and grumpy the whole time until we sat down and started taking pictures! I love her to death!

Dream Journal

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So ive decided that my posts are to limited. I need to spice it up! Im going to post one dream, wish, or hope, or place id like to travel everyday so that you can get to know me better!!!

So for my first dream ever! i want to travel to Italy! My Mom’s side is italian and i have always been fascinated by the culture that exists in Italy!

The roman water system that still exists in the fountains that are all over the city are amazing. The canals of venice! The vast amount of architecture and mueseums!

 id need months to see and do everything! I love it so much and its my all time dream to go there!

A Letter From My Love

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I woke up this morning to this letter from Michael posted to my facebook:

Dear an amazingly fun smart sexy funny (not haha funny but cute funny) loving girl I can call mine,
I want to spend so much time with you before my deployment. I want you to know that I always want you in my life and that I will always be in yours, and that no matter how far away I am I always want to be right beside you! I can not wai…t for the day that we get married and start our future together!
Love you always & forever,
♥Michael

He never ceases to amaze me. Everyday I am filled with Joy and awe at the amount of love he continues to give me everyday. When i was younger i didnt think that the love i recieve from him would be possible in my future..and as i got into relationships hope seemed out of reach until I started dating Michael. We had been friends since we were younger, which makes our relationship that much better because we know so much about each other already. He is my best friend and my lover and a confidont all in one. It makes me sad that i will spend 8 months away from him. I will miss his voice and his laugh and the way he trys so hard everyday to cheer me up and to bring love into our lives. Letters like this one give me hope that we will make it through any obstacle life could give us. No matter how far away he is he manages to include me in everything and makes sure that we are always communicating and on the same page.

Everyday that i wake up i fall in love with him over and over. I laid awake last night staring at the ceiling forever. I couldnt sleep for anything. Thoughts about his deployment and about our wedding plans and about how much i missed him plagued my mind. I didnt know how i could ever get to sleep at the rate i was going. A million thoughts were in my head at once. I began to pray for strength and for guidance. I prayed for God to ease my mind so that i wouldnt worry so much. I fell asleep. Only to be woken up by michaels text. It eased my mind, my feeling of longing for him and i once again was able to fall into a deep sleep. I love when prayer and a text from my love make everyhing feel at ease and i can rest easy. i couldnt imagine a day without those…but i know they are soon to come and i cherish them while i have them now.

I get to go see Michael in San Diego in 10 days! im so excited that he has given me the chance to spend two more days with him before he leaves. I know it will be even more hard leaving him, but also will allow me to appreciate him that much more. Im hoping for a safe flight and as little tears as possible 🙂