Tag Archives: Family

The Authentic Me

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Ive been following a blog called Overexposed and Underdeveloped. I love the many posts they have by many different writers! They have all been talking about work lately and today I really loved  a post by Carmen Farrell..the idea of work being incorporated not as a real job we get paid for but one that helps us be ourselves, the work of being ourselves 100%..You can find that blog here.

This is something i’ve been struggling with my whole life! My husband and I were laying in bed the other night and we had a really long conversation about everything and nothing. He liked me when were were younger. He was my brothers best friend and the thought of dating him wasn’t even in my head. I wanted to know why he liked me then..maybe it would be the same reasons as now. But of coarse im a different person now..he said he liked me mostly because he was surrounded by ass holes and i was so nice to everyone. Yeah that sounds like me still..but im no where near as nice as i used to be. i dont let people walk all over me now..He also said that he liked my laugh then. I said what about my laugh now? My laugh was much higher pitched then. Now its different, more controlled i said. And it made me think of how different i really am from my 15 year old self. I tried to be my best self then but i was riddled with the thoughts of everyone else and tried to please everyone that i could, even myself..but i often ended up unhappy. If i even said a cuss word people looked shocked! My mother even said it wasnt who i was. Now i cuss without hesitation and usually never care..but there are times when i catch myself and wonder if i really am someone who could do without cussing..maybe but i havent stopped. 

I feel like ive been following someone elses lead my whole life. In middle school i desperately wanted to be liked. I left all my friends in Ohio and moved to North Carolina after my Dad died. I didnt know anyone, i was chubby and we weren’t rich so i couldnt get on any sports teams like i played in Ohio. I wanted to be skinny and i even starved myself for months to become so. Then people noticed me and liked me. People commented on how skinny i got and how pretty i was now. But even after all that i still looked at the girls around me, looked at myself, then still wished i were different. I never liked myself and wished i could better, skinnier, prettier. My inner self never mattered to me, just my appearance. I also met a boy who i went to church for and found my Faith in God. I thought by finding God i could be my 100% best. It hasn’t made me that but it has gotten me close, i found a new love for people, for wanting to help and accept all people. I went on mission trips and found a heart for service. I so desperately wanted to save the world. Even after getting that close to being a good me..i still felt empty. I still felt like i needed to impress people. I had to be nice always, choose things based on everyone else’s thoughts and opinions.

High school came around and it was a lot like Middle school. Impressing, being nice. Then i decided not to be..in 10th grade i dated a boy no one liked, he changed me, saw through what everyone else failed to see. i was an imposter. doing what everyone else wanted and not what i really felt i should do. I cussed more and did what i wanted. My mom could not, for the life of her understand why i liked him over other boys i dated. But she let it go. Then we moved back to Ohio. I was like a ghost coming back from the dead and reliving what life was like without me for 5 years. I knew faces and they knew me but no one cared to talk to me, or remember we had once been friends. Until a boy younger than me took notice of me and i him(eventually) and i followed his lead. I started drinking,,something i said id never do..even smoked weed (also thought id die before doing)..my weekends were full of people partying in my house and i loved it! i loved having friends and being surrounded by people and being accepted. I also let go of my soul. It started suffering the moment i said yes to things i knew weren’t in my morals. like smoking and having sex (that i thought meant something at first then just became what we did). I felt like i was spiraling downwards and i didn’t know who i was and i sure wasn’t nice and definitely not my best. 

I went on to college and for the first two years i struggled immensely with the version of myself that i was with that boy, and who i was with the friends i had made there. Of coarse we drank and acted silly but they were the best people i knew! i didnt know why God blessed me with such good people but he did and i was so happy to find them all. But at the other end i was being dragged down fast. It was so emotionally draining that i started getting depressed, then the panic attacks came on quick! back and forth x100000 and finally i stopped and realized i was not going to be who i needed unless i let go. and i did. It was hard but i did it with the help of my family. I finally started feeling good. like myself whoever she was! I started talking to my husband and he helped me see what true love was like, i could tell him anything about me and he never wanted me to change or be anything than the 100% authentic me. 

But being married and now being a wife means i have to consider peoples thoughts and make decisions as a team and frankly i hate it. i like making decisions for them but not for him to make decisions for me! lol

I thought about that laugh i had..i remember it. People always told me i had a cute laugh..it was carefree, spirited, now its controlled. I dont know how to find the 100% authentic me..but this is what i know about her:

  • i love to laugh..even if its controlled
  • I love God even though i dont know where to find him lately. and i dont believe in everthing the bible says or even if jesus is the only way to heaven. i think theres truths in all religions.
  • I definitely hate being told what to do and what my decision will be
  • and by judging all the times i just had to spell check..she cant spell either! lol
  • i wanna serve people and be 100% nice and mean it.
  • i hate when people tell me im wrong or facts are wrong when i know them to be 100% true and when they continue to say im wrong after ive given the evidence that im right!
  • i guess the previous means im stubborn!
  • I love Yoga and Buddhist ideals..even though im not ready to take them on as my own
  • i love being a mom and wife even when it means sacrificing things i want
  • i will sacrifice everything for the people i love
  • i will hold my family together when they want to fall apart
  • i wont pretend to like anyone that i dont but i will be polite because im not mean unless your mean to me first

You lead, Ill Follow. Ill Lead, You Follow!

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Yesterday my husband needed me to motivate him. Hes been wanting to get back into shape (which hurts my ego because hes 6’4″ and weighs 170 something..and he thinks he needs to be toned! Hes already toned! and im 167 and still carrying my baby fat from pregnancy!) So we went to the bike trail near our home and i rode my awesome old lady cruiser with Myla and he ran! I rode behind him most of the way, admiring his muscles! Its not a bad view! I told him i cant believe i get to look at him everyday! lol  But he started to get winded and so i passed him on my bike and i said “hows success working for you?! hahaha” he told me to shut up! lol If you know my husband like i do youll realize one thing! He is great at pushing other people to do stuff but when u show him up he gets pissed! lol He tries to work out with his brother, who is in less shape than he is and so he will tell him

“lets go man”

“your such a p****” (rude i know!)

“come on man you should be in better shape!”

and so on and so on with insults and banter between them! so i laughed when i passed him and he panted while running because his cardio is lacking! so what a perfect time to take a picture! haha

We stopped fr a break! he was so sweaty!

the bike path..It doesn't look nice but the view on each side is the ocean and the beach

me riding in front of him!

me riding behind

Daddy and Myla with their beanies on! this is after our ride/run. her little face looks wayy fatter then normal! lol

Even though my husband is a hardcore trainer lol I love that he gets me out of the house and outside!

God Looks Like Happiness

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Today when i woke up i do my everyday routine..wake up, feed Myla, change Myla, then on to the laptop to check emails/facebook/new blog posts/pintrest..u get it. But today one of my best friends posted this as her status on facebook, ” I think God looks like what happiness feels like.” Wow what a powerful statement and so very true!

I started thinking..what  does god look like to me?

God looks like:

Nature. i think im closest to seeing God, in the solitude of Nature. There, i am his creation experiencing all of his creation.

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My favorite color, GREEN! (im honestly convinced that God and I share the same favorite color! and I think im not crazy because EVERYTHING is green..ok well most of the world is either green or blue..the sky and the grass/trees/leaves..u know! lol)

The smile on my daughters face!

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He looks like my best friends! Through them i have more happiness and good memories than i could have ever asked for!

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He looks like my family. God creates us and delivers us into our families arms. He chooses our family for us. Through them we learn to be who we are. God says, this is what i want for u from the moment we are born and when i look at my family i see how loving God is and how much of a parent he is himself. Through my family i have seen strength, anger, tears and happiness, love, humor, disappointment. All the good and bad God makes he instilled in the family and I’ve seen it all.

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God looks like my new family..My husband. In him i see Gods unconditional love. I see acceptance and sacrifice! i see a fathers love. Thatas what God is right? a father!

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i even see god in my kitty, Mr. Watson! He is playful, but protective and always loving..so is God.

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God is everywhere. I see him in everything. How do u see God?

Gods Blessings

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Last night was a much needed night of praising God and singing his praises. I wish it didnt take a trip to Candlelight to realize that even through hard times and stressful times God has been blessing me… I wish singing songs of praise werent the things that made me realize this, but maybe its just what my heart needed. Prayer is hard when i have a million worries running in my head, i cant concentrate long enough to tell God what im really feeling…but singing someone elses words and letting them be mine to allows everything else to fade away and all of a sudden i am filled with peace and i actually slept peacefully last night.

God has surely blessed me and i think i will take time to say these things that i am so thankful for!

  • My family and my friends (even though im too busy to see them they understand and remain there for me when i need them  Thankyou!)
  • My fiance (even though hes thousands of miles away he reminds me everyday that he loves me and i know in my heart he does. I know God has chosen him for me and sometimes i forget that hes in this with me and im not alone 🙂
  • My Jobs that god gives to me gracefully allowing me to afford to live
  • My volunteering that teaches me to be lighter hearted and more childlike
  • My car
  • My life in general
  • The people in my life, professors, friends, bosses who teach me things ive never known before, who teach me to look within myself and to cultivate my soul
  • the future i have that will be bright because God is continuosly guiding me and showing me the path i should walk on
  • school..its stressful and hard but im soo thankful for the scholarships and financial aid that comes from generous people who believe in students like me..im also thankful that bc of school i have learned so much about myself that i can confidently say i know who i am deep down
  • the weather
  • the sunshine 🙂
  • good food
  • a home/place to live
  • love

Heres a song i just heard last night and i loved it 🙂 enjoy!

I hope we never forget that we are more than ourselves and God created us for much more than our own selfish needs!

10 years ago..

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Daily Post Topic#45: If you could go back in time and have a 5 minute conversation with yourself ten years ago, what would you say?

10 years ago..wow..such a hard time for my family. My father had passed away 4 months prior and everything was just upside down…however i wouldnt want to give away anything about the future so that i will make all the same choices up til now..so heres what i would say to me:

“hey! i know that things are rough right now and they will continue to be..sometimes it will get worse and sometimes it wont. Through the next few years you will have some hard times..so hard you wonder why dad had to die and why moms taking it so hard..but be strong! i promise that in ten years you will be in such a wonderful place in your life and you will be unbearably happy! until then dont worry about the mistakes you make, you will learn from each..you will get ur heart broken, move alot, loose friends, and gain friends. You will meet so many wonderful people who will guide you and show you who to be! they will forever influence you and shape your heart. But you will also meet people who will hurt you, disapoint you, take advantage of you, and try to make u into something your not..just remeber who you are and never forget bc through those times u will eventually remember and come back to you…and always love god no matter where or who u become. Always forgive, but never forget. Hug grandma and aunt kim as much as possible and spend time with them because they love you so much! be patient with your siblings and always take care of them regaurdless of what anyone says..and always always love yourself!”

The Ancient Egyptians….

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The ancient egyptians believed that when they died theyd reach the gates of heaven and be asked two questions and the answer to the questions determined whether they enetered or not. Have you experienced Joy in your life? and have you given others joy in their lives?Its an interesting thought brought to me by watching The Bucket List. I have experienced much Joy in my life. The smallest things make me happiest.

Joy is waking up to a sunny day or sleeping in on a rainy day.

Joy is the laughter of my family and my friends.

Joy is watching a baby smile and look around at the huge world around them.

Joy is the way my love looks at me when im not looking and i look up and hes smiling at me

Joy is a phone call from my mom who succeeds at making me happier

Joy is watching my favorite movie and never getting sick of it

Joy is knowing God never leaves my side

Joy is knowing my sisters birthdays are coming up soon and i get to go home!

Joy is knowing I quit my job because it made me miserable

Joy is knowing i am loved

Joy is receiving a flower

Joy is blogging even if no one reads

Joy is hoping that when someone doesnt like me  they change their minds

Joy is the love i feel for my family and friends

Joy is watching others in their happiness

Joy is thrift shopping just because and finding the coolest things

Joy is knowing i will be married to the most wonderful man ive ever met

Joy is knowing i love his family

Joy is a sunset and a sunrise

Joy is a thursday night of watching Vampire Diaries

Joy is learning and growing and changing

Joy is making a mistake and realizing im a better person bc of it

Joy is a pretty dress

Joy is italian food

Joy is art

Joy is homemade gifts

I could go on forever…the real question is what has brough you joy? and can  you be that kind of Joy to someone in your life?

When teleportation is finally possible..

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Daily Topic #35: when teleportation is finally possible where will you beam yourself first??

Im so in love with this topic! I used to love that show Charmed, and the sister could beam anywhere she wanted with anyone as long as she held onto them! Even that movie Jumper! So heres my list of to do’s when its actually possible!

  • Id say id beam myself into my fiances bunk and supries him!
  • Or to the beach when i get cold so i wouldnt need 5 blankets in this terribly cold ohio weather! id just let the sun warm me up 🙂
  • id like to sit on a tall mountain and watch the sun sink beneath the clouds
  • HELLOO all the places in the world id love to travel! Goodbye $1000 plane tickets!
  • Yay for not having to walk through 5 degree weather to class and work
  • to the mall with my sisters when they are home and im at school
  • heres to waking up 5 minutes before class and making it on time!
  • no more walking in the rain!
  • NO MORE PLANE RIDES!!! (although id miss roadtrips!)
  • Goodbye gas prices! Hello more money to spend!
  • itd be nice to see my family that i havent seen in a while
  • Can i just fly instead??? id love to see the sights along the way!

A Family

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 My next dream would be to have a family. My family has played such a huge role in my life. I cherish every minute of them, good and bad! I want to experience what its like to be a wife and a mother. I want to have the responsibility of educating and loving other people that will then go on to shape our world. Its exciting to me!  I look at my sisters and brother and imagine my children doing the things we did growing up and how much hell we put my mom through sometimes. But i also know how proud she is of us. And i want to feel that too for my children no matter what they do in life.

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Michael holding his nephew Michael

 watched Michael play with his nephews and i loved it. I imagined how he would be with our kids. How much he would teach them and how he would love them and play with them. He even Babysat for his sisters when we took a day and went to Myrtle Beach to shop. He changed their diapers and played with them all day. I cant wait to watch him be a father to our children!

this is not my picture but from an online childrens clothing store  When i have a daughter i want to name her Leighton Ann. I will tell her that shes always beautiful and smart and that she can do anything in the world she wants! Like my mom did me!
I will buy her all the things she needs to play dress up so that she can imagine that shes a queen! i will hug her and kiss her all the time and teach her to respect herself and love herself no matter what! I will let Michael spoil her because i know she will be the apple of his eye! I will put her in dance or let her play sports and i will teach her to read (ill read her stories everynight) and think deeply about the world. I will teach her to see the world through an artists eye. I will encourage her to be compassionate and caring and to be humble. I will allow her to be whoever she wants to be and to pursue her dreams. again not my photo
                When i have a little boy i would name him any of the following: Daymon, Ryan, Wyatt, Riley, (as you can tell i havent thought a whole lot about boy names!). I would teach him to have great courage and to always face his fears. I would teach him about respect and honesty and how he should treat women. I would teach him to go on great adventures..as long as theyre safe! I would laugh when he gets so dirty and yell when he brings in stray animals and bugs! I would also teach him to read and how to think deeply. I would teach him how to be loving and kind, yet strong and determined. I would encourage his dreams and hope that he becomes a beautiful, loving Man! Michael can teach him the rest!
Together i would teach them to love and take care of each other. I would teach them to love God and to put him first in their lives.  I would hope that they would be close and share secrets and create great stories together and i cant wait to hear them laughing together from another room. Or to see them hug and comfort each other. I cant wait for all these things and i know God will give me this dream when i am most ready for it in the future.

2011 Better than 2010? I think so!

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What’s the single most important thing you accomplished in 2010? And how do you plan to top it in 2011?

The most important thing I did last year was learning how to love myself first. I have always struggled with loving who i am and the way i look. My self esteem was at an all time low and because of that i didnt love the right way in relationships. Until July i had been in a terrible relationship for the previous 3 years. On and off again, we fought, i drank and smoked because i wanted him to love me…those which are truly the two things i regret in life…he cheated on me repetedly and i took him back everytime..we had nice moments but they became very few in between. He was selfish and mean and never appreciative of all the things i did for him, yet no matter how bad it was i still clung to him..out of fear that i would be alone, out of fear that he wass all i would have, the mere thought that i could be happier was far from my mind..i was scared to be with anyone else because i didnt think anyone else would love me. When i lived with him i believed everything would get better, not worse….and somewhere along the line i started to feel seperate from him..the last time he cheated numbed me. and i finally realized that i deserved better. I had given up so many friends, i turned my back on God and who I KNEW i was all along, but i ignored that because i searched for love in all the wrong places, and in all the wrong people. I dont know how many times i called my sister to come get me and one day i realized i didnt want to go back, and i didnt miss him. I was done crying and all that was left was disapointment. Disapointment in myself for being naive and disapointment that i had allowed myself to be something other than myself. Michael and i had been friends since we were younger and i always asked him for advice because he was the only person i knew i could trust who wouldnt be biased. He made me laugh and asked me what i wanted in an equal…my equal? i had forgotten that that was what i wanted all along…and i finally let go and started to try and be myself again. My mom told me she thought she had lost me and was happy to have me home. It broke my heart that she believed that..and even more that it had been true.  When i started listening to my heart and getting it right with God i could feel a new light within myself, like i had been given a new chance to get life right. God brought me back into the love of my family..my mom rubbed my back everynight and  told me everything would be okay. Michael constantly reminded me of who i was and what it was that i believed. God brought him to me and my life has been ever so blessed like it has never been before. When i came back to school my friends saw a new light in me, they said it seemed like i could breathe again, like i was free to be myself. They were right! i could breathe, and i was breathing as i always had and i loved myself so much more for it.

This year I am planning my wedding. Thats how I will top last year! I am so excited that i have found one person who i know loves me unconditionally, who accepts all that i am and teaches me to continue to be myself apart from him. together we cultivate a relationship that will last for 50 years and longer! lol He is everything to me and while hes on his deployment i will be planning for us to celebrate our love with our friends and family. I cannot wait until he comes home so that we can begin our lives together. I know that i will get stressed out and be sad because hes gone but planning this wedding will remind me that our relationship is more than distance, love transcends that and time. I hope that i make the right descions, that i plan everything so that it reflects mine and Michaels love without a doubt to anyone who attends.

 So far here are my plans lol

I want a vintage wedding. And flowers like these 🙂 i would show what i have in mind for my dress but thats bad luck! But i want it to be all lace and buttoning up the back, with a bridcage veil. I also want either Milk white glass vases (as candleholders) or antique candleabras, as lighting for the tables surrounded by flowers like in the picture above.

I basically want it to look like this if i dont have the antique candleholders. Its so beautiful to me 🙂 and as for the ceremony cite i have fallen in love with The Columbus Park of Roses. And the spiral stair gazebo! So, that will be my year as planned right now!