Tag Archives: god

The Authentic Me

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Ive been following a blog called Overexposed and Underdeveloped. I love the many posts they have by many different writers! They have all been talking about work lately and today I really loved  a post by Carmen Farrell..the idea of work being incorporated not as a real job we get paid for but one that helps us be ourselves, the work of being ourselves 100%..You can find that blog here.

This is something i’ve been struggling with my whole life! My husband and I were laying in bed the other night and we had a really long conversation about everything and nothing. He liked me when were were younger. He was my brothers best friend and the thought of dating him wasn’t even in my head. I wanted to know why he liked me then..maybe it would be the same reasons as now. But of coarse im a different person now..he said he liked me mostly because he was surrounded by ass holes and i was so nice to everyone. Yeah that sounds like me still..but im no where near as nice as i used to be. i dont let people walk all over me now..He also said that he liked my laugh then. I said what about my laugh now? My laugh was much higher pitched then. Now its different, more controlled i said. And it made me think of how different i really am from my 15 year old self. I tried to be my best self then but i was riddled with the thoughts of everyone else and tried to please everyone that i could, even myself..but i often ended up unhappy. If i even said a cuss word people looked shocked! My mother even said it wasnt who i was. Now i cuss without hesitation and usually never care..but there are times when i catch myself and wonder if i really am someone who could do without cussing..maybe but i havent stopped. 

I feel like ive been following someone elses lead my whole life. In middle school i desperately wanted to be liked. I left all my friends in Ohio and moved to North Carolina after my Dad died. I didnt know anyone, i was chubby and we weren’t rich so i couldnt get on any sports teams like i played in Ohio. I wanted to be skinny and i even starved myself for months to become so. Then people noticed me and liked me. People commented on how skinny i got and how pretty i was now. But even after all that i still looked at the girls around me, looked at myself, then still wished i were different. I never liked myself and wished i could better, skinnier, prettier. My inner self never mattered to me, just my appearance. I also met a boy who i went to church for and found my Faith in God. I thought by finding God i could be my 100% best. It hasn’t made me that but it has gotten me close, i found a new love for people, for wanting to help and accept all people. I went on mission trips and found a heart for service. I so desperately wanted to save the world. Even after getting that close to being a good me..i still felt empty. I still felt like i needed to impress people. I had to be nice always, choose things based on everyone else’s thoughts and opinions.

High school came around and it was a lot like Middle school. Impressing, being nice. Then i decided not to be..in 10th grade i dated a boy no one liked, he changed me, saw through what everyone else failed to see. i was an imposter. doing what everyone else wanted and not what i really felt i should do. I cussed more and did what i wanted. My mom could not, for the life of her understand why i liked him over other boys i dated. But she let it go. Then we moved back to Ohio. I was like a ghost coming back from the dead and reliving what life was like without me for 5 years. I knew faces and they knew me but no one cared to talk to me, or remember we had once been friends. Until a boy younger than me took notice of me and i him(eventually) and i followed his lead. I started drinking,,something i said id never do..even smoked weed (also thought id die before doing)..my weekends were full of people partying in my house and i loved it! i loved having friends and being surrounded by people and being accepted. I also let go of my soul. It started suffering the moment i said yes to things i knew weren’t in my morals. like smoking and having sex (that i thought meant something at first then just became what we did). I felt like i was spiraling downwards and i didn’t know who i was and i sure wasn’t nice and definitely not my best. 

I went on to college and for the first two years i struggled immensely with the version of myself that i was with that boy, and who i was with the friends i had made there. Of coarse we drank and acted silly but they were the best people i knew! i didnt know why God blessed me with such good people but he did and i was so happy to find them all. But at the other end i was being dragged down fast. It was so emotionally draining that i started getting depressed, then the panic attacks came on quick! back and forth x100000 and finally i stopped and realized i was not going to be who i needed unless i let go. and i did. It was hard but i did it with the help of my family. I finally started feeling good. like myself whoever she was! I started talking to my husband and he helped me see what true love was like, i could tell him anything about me and he never wanted me to change or be anything than the 100% authentic me. 

But being married and now being a wife means i have to consider peoples thoughts and make decisions as a team and frankly i hate it. i like making decisions for them but not for him to make decisions for me! lol

I thought about that laugh i had..i remember it. People always told me i had a cute laugh..it was carefree, spirited, now its controlled. I dont know how to find the 100% authentic me..but this is what i know about her:

  • i love to laugh..even if its controlled
  • I love God even though i dont know where to find him lately. and i dont believe in everthing the bible says or even if jesus is the only way to heaven. i think theres truths in all religions.
  • I definitely hate being told what to do and what my decision will be
  • and by judging all the times i just had to spell check..she cant spell either! lol
  • i wanna serve people and be 100% nice and mean it.
  • i hate when people tell me im wrong or facts are wrong when i know them to be 100% true and when they continue to say im wrong after ive given the evidence that im right!
  • i guess the previous means im stubborn!
  • I love Yoga and Buddhist ideals..even though im not ready to take them on as my own
  • i love being a mom and wife even when it means sacrificing things i want
  • i will sacrifice everything for the people i love
  • i will hold my family together when they want to fall apart
  • i wont pretend to like anyone that i dont but i will be polite because im not mean unless your mean to me first

Daily Quote- When Crickets Cry

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From Charles Martin’s “When Crickets Cry.”

“…but maybe life is like that – you never know when something that’s been hidden is going to rise up and bite you, or glow with a golden hue.” 

 

“People marvel at the genius of Mozart because he supposedly wrote “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” at the age of three and composed his first symphony at the age of twelve. And yes, of course he was a genius, but another way to look at it is that he just discovered early what it was God made him to do. That’s all. For some reason, God gave him a little extra, or a little something different, and Mozart found out what that was and then got a head start on using it. Of course he was brilliant, but that’s not the point. The point is he knew, and then he got to work.” 

 

(title of book) “Why, their crying.” I leaned in and tried to hear. She whispered in my ear “only if you listen closely, and you WANT TO, you can hear when the crickets cry.” I leaned in again. “No, no, no. You don’t listen with your ears, you hear them with your heart.” “Why are they crying?” “Because they know it’s their life for mine.”

Daily Quote-Their eyes were watching God

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I love Their Eyes were Watching God, by Zora Neale Hurston. I definately recommend it to everyone!

“Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they sail forever on the horizon, never out of sight, never landing until the Watcher turns his eyes away in resignation, his dreams mocked to death by Time. That is the life of men. Now, women forget all those things they don’t want to remember and remember everything they don’t want to forget. The dream is the truth. Then they act and do things accordingly.”

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God Looks Like Happiness

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Today when i woke up i do my everyday routine..wake up, feed Myla, change Myla, then on to the laptop to check emails/facebook/new blog posts/pintrest..u get it. But today one of my best friends posted this as her status on facebook, ” I think God looks like what happiness feels like.” Wow what a powerful statement and so very true!

I started thinking..what  does god look like to me?

God looks like:

Nature. i think im closest to seeing God, in the solitude of Nature. There, i am his creation experiencing all of his creation.

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My favorite color, GREEN! (im honestly convinced that God and I share the same favorite color! and I think im not crazy because EVERYTHING is green..ok well most of the world is either green or blue..the sky and the grass/trees/leaves..u know! lol)

The smile on my daughters face!

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He looks like my best friends! Through them i have more happiness and good memories than i could have ever asked for!

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He looks like my family. God creates us and delivers us into our families arms. He chooses our family for us. Through them we learn to be who we are. God says, this is what i want for u from the moment we are born and when i look at my family i see how loving God is and how much of a parent he is himself. Through my family i have seen strength, anger, tears and happiness, love, humor, disappointment. All the good and bad God makes he instilled in the family and I’ve seen it all.

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God looks like my new family..My husband. In him i see Gods unconditional love. I see acceptance and sacrifice! i see a fathers love. Thatas what God is right? a father!

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i even see god in my kitty, Mr. Watson! He is playful, but protective and always loving..so is God.

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God is everywhere. I see him in everything. How do u see God?

Inspirational Bloggers encourage me!

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I got on FB today aand read this post by Matt Bohr, my youth pastor when i was a teenager.

“Remember, as a Christian, you have two choices. #1. You can sit back, not do anything with the power you’ve been given, wait for heaven, and try to ignore the empty feeling you have, OR, #2. You can step out, take the hits as they come (cause you know who’s dishin them out), and see lives changed through your life in Christ! No “grave tending” life for us!!”  ~ Matt Bohr

I thought to myself…”well its clear which one i am! and he would be so disappointed!” Truth is..i’m disappointed in myself. I surround my blogging with people who write about God’s Love and I admire the hearts they have for God. Their posts and daily challenges inspire me to start doing something! ANYTHING for that matter! I have fallen behind in my faith and at times i have no idea how im supposed to bring myself up out of the rut i’m in. How the heck do i get back to the God loving, God serving girl i used to be?

Here are a few bloggers who encourage me!

Shelby– we went to church together and now i loveee reading her posts! Im so amazed by person she has turned into and the God loving heart she has. Shes reading the Bible in a year.. I thought about taking the same challenge or any bible reading challenge for that matter!…I also follow people she posts about because idk how she does it but she finds some amazing people!

Because of shelby i found Mandy at MessyCanvas. Shes amazing and im always inspired by her posts and ive even downloaded her ebook on becoming an artist even if you think you arent one! it was amazing!

I’m following Caitlin at Collective Disclosure her heart for God is also amazing her posts and the verses she posts always give me the new perspective that i need! and she encourages me by showing what its like to live out God no matter where you are in life.

Also, Christs Revolution always encourages me when he posts. He gives scripture and explains it to the best of his ability. He does a great job too! i always feel like im getting a sermon but those sermons always hit home and theres no better kind!

Thank you all for encouraging me!

I recently got an advertisement in the mail for a church near our apartment! Its very enticing so i looked it up online. The people look so nice and their services seem to be just what i need! They even say you can wear what you want..which is nice! and they have loud christian music. The best part is they focus heavily on service. I’m a service kinda girl! My youth pastor^^^ once told me i had a servants heart. i could never pin down my spiritual gift and that’s what he told me…and its true! ill do anything to help and i always want to find ways to help the less fortunate or even someone who just needs a listener. BUT….I’m scared. I don’t know how to go into an unknown church and say “Use me!!” And what if i don’t like it or i dont fit in?

Another recent thing ive picked up again is reading. My husband decided to explore various sides of religion while he was on his deployment and now he has about 6 or 7 books that i was so interested in reading. He has a few books on free will and destiny and one about budhism and another about peoples struggles and how God helped their lives. I picked up one called The Belief Instinct..i got to reading the introduction and i immediately was disapointed in it! I like how the mind works psychologically but not to this point. By the end of the Intro i finally figured out that he was trying to prove that God is a figment of our imagination and he intended to help the readers know this so they could no longer be fooled by God as an illusion!! I was so mad! My husband suggested i keep reading to get another persons view point so i might better defend why i belive and KNOW god is real! But im bot ready for that! I just wanna get my faith back again not have some psychologist point me in the wrong direction! Then i realized that the books about destiny and free will were collections of philosophers writings and i again was disapointed because i already struggled through Ethics reading Plato and other various philosophers because i had no clue what they were saying. Finally he had 3 books i could read! So im reading Prisoner of Tehran. Im inspired by her struggle so far and her heart always faces God, Im only on the fourth chapter but id already reccomend it to everyone!!

I guess what i need is some encouragement from people who know what its like to be at this stage and maybe some words of advice! Any help would be amazing!

Create!

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Its taken me a few days to think about what word would lead me into this new year. Last year my word was patience…and boy was my patience tested and i surely tested others patience! That word changed my life…especially in the moments when i didn’t allow myself to be patient with others and i went against what they were asking of me. I’ve taken more time to slow down and to be more understanding because of this word. I need something just as life changing. But what word would do that for me?

I came to the word CREATE everyday this week.

Create means:

 adjective/verb (used with object)

1. to cause to come into being, as something unique that would not naturally evolve or that is not made by ordinary processes.
2.to evolve from one’s own thought or imagination, as a work of art or an invention.
3.to be the cause or occasion of; give rise to: The announcement created confusion.
I’ ve been searching for ways to decorate my apartment and i spent hours looking for DIY projects that would look amazing and i found a lot! i also had a few really cool ideas that would keep me busy for a while. For instance, Michael and I went to the beach and there are rarely any full sea shells. I thought i could take them and break them up into tiny pieces and use them to make a mosaic! Ive always wanted to create one but i had never had the money to buy all the cool glass and mosaic tiles! So why not use part of God’s creation to stimulate my own creations?!! I’m also now saving our toilet paper rolls and Popsicle sticks so that i can make a few pieces of wall art for our apartment!

Ill use the popsicle sticks and scryllic paint to create a driftwood look for the background of a Quote i want in our apartment

I found this from Make & Do Girl.

I want this to be the quote on the above art work

This image from etsy

cool toilet paper roll design!

I found this from natty nook. i also wanna use the same idea in my baby’s nursery and create a tree with tiny mirrors and picture frames. ill have a sketch to come soon! along with this i found a similar mirror and toilet paper roll idea from thriftyandchic.

they used pvc pipe but ill use toilet paper rolls

I also want to create a home for my husband and I and our soon to be here daughter. We live so far away from our families and rarely get to see them. Its hard to feel at home in San Diego, with its fast pace lifestyle, crazy drivers and rude people. Its not the east coast southern lifestyle we were raised in. I wanna create that homey feeling for us…i haven’t had that spark of ideas on how to do this yet but i have all year!

Gods Blessings

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Last night was a much needed night of praising God and singing his praises. I wish it didnt take a trip to Candlelight to realize that even through hard times and stressful times God has been blessing me… I wish singing songs of praise werent the things that made me realize this, but maybe its just what my heart needed. Prayer is hard when i have a million worries running in my head, i cant concentrate long enough to tell God what im really feeling…but singing someone elses words and letting them be mine to allows everything else to fade away and all of a sudden i am filled with peace and i actually slept peacefully last night.

God has surely blessed me and i think i will take time to say these things that i am so thankful for!

  • My family and my friends (even though im too busy to see them they understand and remain there for me when i need them  Thankyou!)
  • My fiance (even though hes thousands of miles away he reminds me everyday that he loves me and i know in my heart he does. I know God has chosen him for me and sometimes i forget that hes in this with me and im not alone 🙂
  • My Jobs that god gives to me gracefully allowing me to afford to live
  • My volunteering that teaches me to be lighter hearted and more childlike
  • My car
  • My life in general
  • The people in my life, professors, friends, bosses who teach me things ive never known before, who teach me to look within myself and to cultivate my soul
  • the future i have that will be bright because God is continuosly guiding me and showing me the path i should walk on
  • school..its stressful and hard but im soo thankful for the scholarships and financial aid that comes from generous people who believe in students like me..im also thankful that bc of school i have learned so much about myself that i can confidently say i know who i am deep down
  • the weather
  • the sunshine 🙂
  • good food
  • a home/place to live
  • love

Heres a song i just heard last night and i loved it 🙂 enjoy!

I hope we never forget that we are more than ourselves and God created us for much more than our own selfish needs!

Epiphany…proceed with caution!

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Caution being I will be talking about my Soul of Sex class…if you dont wanna know about the history skip to the bolded words where i have my epiphany!

So today my professor decided to show us a video on the history of sex: via the history channel..so it was legit! lol

One of the things i found interesting was the regression of our society and its views on sex as we have progressed over the centuries. The Greek were so sexually free and even the first half of the Roman Empire. They didnt put sex into categories as we do today, nor did they view homosexuality as a bad thing. Sexual expression was just that, it did not put values or limits on sex because they believed what happened during sex was a beautiful thing. They believed in the connection of the body and soul. We dont have that today, and if we do its very rare to find.

We think that sex has to be strictly straight or strictly gay or in between. Its bad to be gay, its bad to have sex before marriage or at a young age. Its bad to get married so young and to have babies young. To many sexual partners makes you a whore, and promiscuous, prostitution is definitely taboo. All these things the Greek and Roman never worried about and their societies flourished more than any society has today. Kings had prostitutes who were for their sexual needs only, and they were greatly respected. Women were valued because while the husbands could have any partner they liked, the woman could too. They had many lovers and where they couldnt vote and were seen as second class, they had freedom to be whoever they wanted and were not under the thumbs of their husbands. They valued their bodies and nudity was valued. Also a man could look at a man and think he was hansome and look at a woman and believe she was beautiful, no one was grossed out because sex was an energy that everyone had and used to cultivate their lives. It wasnt tabboo to be with anyone you wanted because everyone believed sex was a part of a cultivated lifestyle. Men would guide younger pubesent boys through the sexual processes with out ever penetrating them, today this would be called a pervert and a pediophile. Same in some cultures where an older woman who was stable emotionally and mentally, was available for younger men who were raging with hormones, to relive their sexual needs and protect the young virgins of the town who were not yet ready for sex. Today she would be locked up!

Much like Adam and Eve there was this connection of body and soul. so much so that they didnt know that they were nude. They were in the presence of the divine and were secure with themselves and with each other. There wasnt a need for clothes. Romans got away from this too as adultery became outlawed and a crime. Suddenly sex became bad, it had limits out on it. Then scholars come along and further define what moral sex should be and so we now have the dominant male who should always be on top *hince the missionary position*

This was all interesting to me and led us into the discussion of greek mythology and how the stories were created to help its people talk about their souls and emotions in a way that allowed them to reflect on themselves. They believed that these greek gods and goddeses would just emerge but the were inside us. They give us a sense of normality so that when we feel something we know that we are not alone in feeling that and we understand that we are a part of something universal. Suddenly these emotions arent as bad as we thought and they dont destroy us. Sometimes our feelings are so strong that we feel disturbed by them…myths and stories show us that we ourselves have what is neccesarry to overcome these feelings.

Another topic we entered on to was the idea that sex and spirituality comes into play with the way that we carry out the acts. Are we cultivating life as an act of love, with the intentions to better our lives and the lives of others? Are we being more compassionate and kind towards people? OR are we bein destructive and hurting people? THIS IS WHERE I HAD MY EPIPHANY!!!

All along i new there was a road i was on but i wasnt getting it quite yet..but then i understood what this sex and sexuality was about!

We are sexual in the way we choose to penetrate the ones around us..not just sexual penetration but another great penetration we posess is love. How are we choosing to love someone with our bodies and our souls connected as one? Why do we allow ourselves to love when it opens us up and makes us vulnerable to any person who could hurt us?

  • we love affection and affection opens the door for us…what do we find about that person that makes us like them? do they remind us of someone or somehing that brought us happiness? most of the time yes! but its the fact that after this initial affection has taken place do we just move on from that person to another who gives us that same happiness instead of cultivating a lasting relationship? thats what happens today and why cheating is very very common. We forget about the relationship and move from person to person who brings some immediate satisfaction and happiness.
  • we desire the liminal experience. Humanity is a thrillling thing. at any moment we are at the bridge of death or at the very top with a spiritual connection to God, so much so that we ourselves feel like we arent human any more. We get this feeling when we love someone that is more than just everyday feeling, it feels almost divine and out of this world.
  • we get to the peak of sex or a relationship where we feel fully alive for the first time, but this also allows us to be in touch with our feelings more deeply than before…so what happens is this feeling of melancholy afterwards. we feel things and think things and cant understand why. Like crying after sex and thinking ur the most overly emotional person ever..but its not true. It is in fact a spiritual realization and feeling that often drives people away.
  • To be reconnected with the divine, or God. Funny isnt it? have sex to be closer to god? no not at all, being celibate is a form of sexuality, just as compassion is. Both Jesus had and he was very close to God. His sex organ was his heart! so as u see its how we choose to love that matters.

we dont allow oourselves to open up and be connected to people because of the power that they hold that can rip our hearts apart. Trust and faith is needed without it nothing will ever be worth it.

FINALLY! we rediscover our security when we reconnect our spirituality and sexuality? what does this mean rediscover? That means we had to loose our security first right? we wander through life feeling as though were missing something, like if we could find that something that completes us wed be whole again. Thats because we all have a sense of paradise. We were created for an eternity of perfectness with God, in heaven. So we live our lives here until he calls us into his presence. That is what makes us whole. But until then we search for it through love. We have bad experiences that make us feel like happiness is so far away, we love hoping to find our other half IN someone else. Loving someone is a good thing, but where we go wrong sexually and spiritually is when we say,” i need you because u make me whole”, “you complete me”, “what is in this person makes me whole and i have to have them” Thats the wrong way to love someone because we can only find wholeness within ourselves. Together as a couple we can find our wholeness but not in each other. We find it ourselves, not from the other person. Its saying ” i love you because i love you” not “i love you because i need you.” The best relationships are where each person is complete on their own and then cultivates this loving relationship between them.  They then have this absolute unity of body and soul that restores what is broken and we can find this secureness that we had once lost, we are now content and comforted in life until we are in the paradise we were created for.

I have had this play out in my own life and never quite understood what my professor was getting at til today. I had loved to find myself IN others not on my own. My love was desperate and needy and i cried all the time. I said, “i love you because i need you and if you leave me i wont know who to be.”  i had not allowed my body to recconnect with my soul and spirit. Now in my relationship with Michael i find that i love him not with a desperate need, but with a love that says, “i love you because at any minute you could walk out of my life and i would be hurt deeply. But i trust you not to and if you do i will pick myself up, heal my heart completely and become whole again and i will move on in life because i know who i am. I love you because i dont need you but i want you in my life forever.”

100 word challenge

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For my new Blog project im linking up with Velvet Verbosity  for the 1oo word challenge!

This weeks word is Gratuitous

Its an adjective

1. given, done, bestowed, or obtained without charge or payment; free; voluntary.

2. being without apparent reason, cause, or justification: a gratuitous insult.

3. Law . given without receiving any return value.

When i think about this word for this week i wonder if ive done anything Gratuitously….I just started volunteering at Nationwide Childrens Hospital reading and coloring with the children who come for a hospital visit. I thought it would be a good way to spend a few hours a week and i dont know what to expect each time I go in.

Last week i sat with a little girl and her brother. She was 4 and man was she a talker! everyting she colored shed say, “hang on i want to show my mom!” And then shed come back and say, “my mom loves it!” She did this ten times with the same result. I started coloring while she did and she looked at mine and said, “heyy thats a good flower! can you teach me?” i said of coarse! and so i started by trying to get her to draw a stem for the flower and she said, “wait!! we have to draw the green grass first!” so she started scribbling some grass all the while saying in a sing song kind of way, “the green grreen grass! the greeen green grass of the earth!” it was quite cute! Then her brother scribled some red lines on it and of coarse we started all over and this time with the grass! then i taught her to draw the actual flower which she then stuffed into a bag i gave her and then took alll my coloring pages as the nurse called her name!

Her mother called her name and asked if she was ready and she ran off then came back to try and get more from me but her mom yelled for her to quit trying to take all my stuff! it was funny! i can wait to go  again this next week when i get back to school! I dont know what she was there for, but i know her smiling face and extrovert personality was enough to keep anyone smiling all day!

I wonder about the things people have given me Gratuitously….My car for one..i never thought i deserved that car but everytime i get in it i am appreciative of the people who bought it for me! they did not have to do that but wanted to and even when my relationship with their son ended they let me keep it. I felt bad for a long time, guily even, but they wanted me to have it because they said i deserved it. After a while I stopped feeling bad and knew they really did care about me so instead of feeling guilty i felt very very thankful. And i still am! That car has gotten me to work and back and forth from home! ive had an adventure (breaking down in the middle of no where west virginia with michael during new years!) in that car and have enjoyed it very much!

I think about how i have a gratuitous God. Why does he give us his love other than the sole purpose of loving us? We dont deserve to be loved or to be forgiven, but he gave his own son for us so that we might live! How awesome is that? Yet, at the same time he gives us gratuitous challenges in life…ones we feel like we shouldnt be given…but he gives them anyways. And why? For many reasons i suppose: to test our faith, to challege our character and values, as a lesson, as an eye opener, to change us, to strengthen us. He wants us to be the best we can be and that wouldnt be possible without knowing pain and over coming it. And he never gives us more than we can handle.  He gives us people, who teach us many many things, the good things but also the bad. Relationships can teach us the most important things in life but can also rip our hearts into pieces. How is this possible? God is always transforming us, teaching us that while we love, from that love people can also hurt each other and themselves through the destruction of that love. It doesnt seem fair to have someone we love hurt us and leave us and for no other reason than because they can, because they “don’t love us anymore”, because, “they weren’t thinking.”

Why do we do things gratuitously? One because we love somone and we want to show them or give them something because we think they deserve it and we expect nothing in return because we benefit more as people from giving not recieving. But why else? All the mean, hurtful things we do and say in our friendships and relationships we do for several reasons: to hurt someone, to get revenge, to show them up, just beacause we can, for our own satisfaction, its funny, to hurt them like they hurt us….But is this necessary? Isnt loving selfless, doesnt it hope for the best and want the best for the people involved?  I think so. Ive hurt people for the fact that i did love them. Hurting them would mean they could eventually  be happier in the future….with or without me.

So think about this word…What does it mean to you? how have you shown it and been shown its meaning?

Nightly Worries

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Daily Post Topic #56: What keeps you up at night?

Bonus: What helps you forget about what keeps you up at night?

Lately i have been overdoing it a bit and my schedule is only going to get worse starting this week! I have 18 credit hours, volunteer at Nationwides Childrens Hospital and i now have 2 jobs! Not to mention all the homework i have! its exhausting! Wednesday and Thursday i skipped class because i was soo tired and i just fell asleep for two whole hours! Needless to stay i laid in bed awake for hours staring at the ceiling wishing i could sleep but couldnt!

Alot of things ran through my head so i turned on the tv and watched reruns of jersey shore and teen mom..nope didnt work! i picked up my Chronicles of Narnia book and thought maybe some magical adventure my lure me to sleep..nope!

I thought about Michael and wondered what he was doing and thinking. I wished he were laying in bed next to me because his presence brings me such a comfort that i never lay awake hoping i can stop thinking so i can sleep. His presence calms all raging thoughts and emotions and fills my body with peace. I desperately needed that peace. I think most about him coming home and us finally being together. I think of our wedding that is so stressful planning because both of us have been very indecisive lately.(which we finally came to a descision today!)

I lay awake thinking about the past sometimes..even though i know i shouldnt! i think about how i miss my dad and my grandma and wish they could see me now!

Last night i layed awake and i thought of all the blessings God has given me lately: a wonderful fiance, my family is doing so good, i am voluneering, got a new job, i was nominated for an art society..and i prayed like hell nothing bad would happen to take all of these blessings away! My happiness has seemed to good to be true! i tell my friends to focus on the now and to live in the present and to worry about future things when they come…yet here i am worrying too! i guess im not very good with my own advice!

So what puts me to sleep finally? I pray and pray and pray. I talk to God for so long i bet he gets tired of hearing my endless stream of thoughts worries and complaints! and eventually i tire myself out and i fall right to sleep. Its funny how God can put a hush over my thoughts, he puts peace in my mind and i fall asleep forgetting my worries. I wake up wondering how and when i fell asleep but thatnkful that i finally did!