You lead, Ill Follow. Ill Lead, You Follow!

Yesterday my husband needed me to motivate him. Hes been wanting to get back into shape (which hurts my ego because hes 6’4″ and weighs 170 something..and he thinks he needs to be toned! Hes already toned! and im 167 and still carrying my baby fat from pregnancy!) So we went to the bike trail near our home and i rode my awesome old lady cruiser with Myla and he ran! I rode behind him most of the way, admiring his muscles! Its not a bad view! I told him i cant believe i get to look at him everyday! lol  But he started to get winded and so i passed him on my bike and i said “hows success working for you?! hahaha” he told me to shut up! lol If you know my husband like i do youll realize one thing! He is great at pushing other people to do stuff but when u show him up he gets pissed! lol He tries to work out with his brother, who is in less shape than he is and so he will tell him

“lets go man”

“your such a p****” (rude i know!)

“come on man you should be in better shape!”

and so on and so on with insults and banter between them! so i laughed when i passed him and he panted while running because his cardio is lacking! so what a perfect time to take a picture! haha

We stopped fr a break! he was so sweaty!

the bike path..It doesn't look nice but the view on each side is the ocean and the beach

me riding in front of him!

me riding behind

Daddy and Myla with their beanies on! this is after our ride/run. her little face looks wayy fatter then normal! lol

Even though my husband is a hardcore trainer lol I love that he gets me out of the house and outside!

My Best Creation Yet! Part 2

Now that I have shared the Birth details with you..i wanna share with you what it feels like now that my best creation yet has arrived and been with me for 3 weeks now! 

When i paint or draw i always have this sense of accomplishment and pride that comes when i’ve finished it. I always think, “wow i made that” or “that turned out better than i thought” and sometimes i’m unhappy with them and i work and work til the art work is exactly what i want it to be! But there is something in my child that fills me with a sense of pride and accomplishment that i’ve never been given before. It may be because without thinking, i created something beautiful. I cant find one flaw in her that i can rework or change a million times. Her fingers and toes are so tiny and delicate and i cant stop kissing them! Her eyes are so wandering and her head bobbles a lot! But i cant imagine a more beautiful little girl and God gave me her! 

I don’t think anyone ever prepared me for the love that i am filled with every time i look at her.’ When i married my husband i thought i knew the extent to which love reaches, but Myla has shown me how much farther that love and love in general can be deepened. I look in her little eyes and i just dont know how much i can love anyone as much as i love her. When i look at Michael holding her and the smile he has when he looks at her it warms my heart and sometimes brings tears to my eyes. I couldnt be any luckier than right now!

I think she has taught me how deep love runs, and what i am capable of in life. No other creation of mine has taught me so much about myself, about Michael or about what we want out of life.  My love for Michael is so strong and is transformed every time i see him hold her or talk to her or give her “daddy kisses” (he kisses her a bunch of times all over her face) his heart is big and amazing and one day when she looks up him and says “daddy” my heart will leap with joy because i know how much love shes going to fill him with and how much shes going to love him back. She already looks up at him like hes the most amazing thing shes seen. That alone makes my love for them both implant it my heart and its growing roots that will strengthen over time and never be shaken. 

Every night i hope and pray that God has an amazing life planned for us and our family. I hope he watches over her and allows my creation and his creation to become a blossom that flourishes and never grows weary in this world. I know Michael and I will guide her into what she will become and i can only hope that she allows God to lead her too. I hope this creation changes the world with her heart and with her soul, i hope her smile lights up someones day and i hope she never utters a mean word that breaks someones spirit! This creation in unfinished…But Michael and I have a great start and i Hope we continue to make her into something amazing. 

Even if she is needy and exhausting right now i cant wait to see what kind of person she becomes!

The Best Thing I’ve Created Yet! Part 1

When i started this year i chose the word Create as my word for 2012. Little did i know that i had forgotten about the one thing id created that had not arrived yet..My daughter Myla. Let me tell you how absolutely painful and completely amazing it was to finally bring my best creation into this world. I wont skip any gruesome details, and all the things people never told me about that pissed me off! lol

 

I had scheduled to be induced at midnight on Thursday March 8th..so she would arrive sometime that Friday. I was excited because she was a week late and having a final date of when she would be born took away so much anxiety i was having as i anticipated the moment my water would break or the contractions would start. BUT she had different plans! Wednesday afternoon at 12:45 my water broke! it wasn’t a normal water breaking that id been told about! It slowly leaked out and i became more and more nervous and i couldnt figure out why until i stood up and it all rushed out! Thank God i had been wearing panty shields or it would have gotten my pants and the floor all wet! and thankgod our living room is very close to the bathroom! BUT!! thats not all! in the process of my water breaking my kitten managed to get lodged in between my dresser and the wall. He was howling and i couldnt find him. and so i gave up and sat down on the couch. He continues to howl so i get up..(Leaking begins) and i realize his meowing is coming from my dresser! How he got behind there is amazing bc its a tiny crack! he was stuck and i started freaking out because i thought he was going to die! i tried pushing him under the dresser but i quickly realized that was not going to happen he was stuck! Then i stood up and Bam water breaks and i run to the bathroom and freak out more because not only is my water just broken and this baby is coming but the damn cat picked the most inconvenient times to get stuck! Especially Because Michael was at work and hes the only one who can move this dresser to get him out! So here i am sqauting with no pants on pushing my hardest at the dresser (forget the baby right? this cat is about to be sqeezed to death!) no to mention it was PT day for the navy and Michael didn’t have his phone on him. 12 unanswered calls made me feel desperate! This cat was gonna die because i’m weak! lol i finally had the idea to lean the dresser not move it and the cat jumped out! Whooo! Now how about this baby!

Michael finally came home and we took our time getting to the hospital. We even stopped at McDonalds where i had a parfait and water. two hours later were at the Hospital and being checked in! After we got into our room they give me the Petosin to help my contractions along because although my water broke i had no contractions even after 3 hours! So when the contractions kicked in they asked about an epidural and i didn’t want one. That wasn’t in my plan! But after 8 hours of contractions i was only dilated to a 3 1/2 and i was in tears! i couldn’t move around i felt like i was dying! So i got the epidural! it was worth it too! Although i wanted to deliver completely natural i realized afterwards that if i hadn’t gotten one i wouldn’t have been able to push her out because i would’ve been exhausted.

Finally i had the urge to push and it took me 2 hours of pushing to get her head out. And it was exhausting and the epidural did not work at that point! So even though i got an epidural i delivered her naturally! i felt everything! I even pushed that button to release the medicine four times and nothing helped! Myla liked having her head touched when i was getting checked for dilation and the nurses always commented on her wiggling head. And now i felt what they were talking about because as she was coming down i could feel her head wiggling. Oh and the most embarrassing part! Every woman fears having a bowel movement and i was sure i wouldn’t have one..but i did! and it wasn’t as embarrassing as i thought it was.  The nurse told me it meant i was pushing right! lol

So after 2 hours of pushing and screaming in pain because i felt everything!!! Her head finally came out and the nurse told me to stop pushing! I was like huh?! shes coming out! Why would i stop! They said the doctor was called and she was on her way! But the doctor was slowwwww! i was screaming at the nurses as they were trying to hold the baby’s head in me so she wouldn’t come out before the doctor got there. I wasn’t waiting! i needed to push! Finally the Nurse realized i wasn’t kidding! So she delivered my baby! I was happy too because she was the nurse that was with us all night long and the doctor came in and sewed me up and cut the cord! She didn’t let Michael cut the cord! every father wants to cut the cord and she didn’t even ask! and then she left! So the nurse let him trim the cord because the doctor cut it too long.

I was so relieved when she came! All the pain was worth it and id go through it all over again to have her here! But there were things people never told me about that upset me! (Mostly due to my hormones still being crazy from pregnancy!) No one told me how painful it is when you have to get stitches and how swelled up you get! and then every time you go to the bathroom its a 30 minute process so that they don’t get infected! Also my legs and all of my muscles hurt so bad from labor i felt like i had been hit by a bus and it then backed up over me! I didn’t feel better for about a week and a half and i’m still healing! Also breast feeding is soo hard and it makes you feel so defeated when your baby still screams because shes hungry and you already fed her for and hour on each breast! It made me feel like a terrible parent because i was starving her! I would cry because i would feed her and then 30 minutes later she would be hungry again and she was sucking my breasts dry and wasn’t getting enough later on. I couldn’t clean or eat because i was constantly feeding her. Also i felt like crying for no reason all the time! the tiniest thing would make me cry! This due to lack of sleep and frustration over feeding her. Im sure there are more things that i cried about but that’s all i can think of now!

Then we decided to switch her to formula! we had what the hospital gave us and bought a can of formula too. But she was projectile vommitting and even gave me a huge scare when she stopped breathing because she vommitted twice in a row and couldnt catch her breath! her face scared me most! it was like she knew she couldn’t breathe and the scream that came out when she finally caught her breath was heart breaking! The one thing i feared my whole pregnancy and even when she was born was that i would loose her. And when she lost her breathe it became all to real how much of a fear that is for me! i cried for an hour and i was so scared to feed her again because i didn’t want her to throw up any more. So we switched her to Prosobee formula for sensitive stomachs and she barely spits up now! wheewww! Its such a relief to me now and i hardly worry about her vommitting and loosing her breath again. But Michael is trained in Baby CPR and he taught me so i feel a lot better!

Myla and our kitten that gave me such a hard time! Now hes her protector and sleeps beside her whenever i allow him to!

Just Focus!

Being pregnant comes with one side effect they never tell you about! CRAZY weird vivid dreams! Sometimes ill wake up in a panic or sweating as i try to keep myself awake so i don’t fall back into the same dream! Other times ill wake up crying because the dream seemed so real that what i just witnessed really happened to me! Last night was one of those nights! except i woke up feeling like i had accomplished alot and i felt my sense of self had been renewed! It got me thinking…but first let me tell you my dream!

My dream started off with me being at the office i worked in while i was at Capital University. I was sitting in a large circle being stared at by a bunch of High School students!..If you go to Capital you know how inconvenient it is to have high schoolers come visit because our campus is already small and they take up alot of room and crowd the cafeteria!..anyways, My supervisor Teresa asked me to tell them the best piece of advice i had learned in my 4 years there..I thought about it one minute and then i said, “just focus!.” I went on to explain my 4 years and how no matter how many times i wanted to give up and go home, no matter how hard class got or how stressed out i had gotten as long as i focused on the reason i was there in the first place i could keep going. They all stared and then asked questions like, what about relationships and friends? I recounted how i had been in a relationship that tore me down but once i ended that and focused i was able to find my husband and he was my greatest encourager and my friends were also a great deal of help..and as long as you make the right relationships, healthy relationships you can make it through much easier and with a better outlook on life!

I woke up as my husbands alarm rang. Time for work again! When he leaves I usually sleep in until 10am but it seems today will not be one of those days. I started thinking about what i had told all those kids, about my husband and my friends, and “just focus.” I had my birthday 2 days ago but i didnt check my facebook until yesterday and i noticed a video posted by one of my best friends and a few girls that were in my major…they sang me happy birthday and wished me luck with the baby. I didnt realize how meaningful this video was to me until it was over and i wanted to cry! i saw these girls almost everyday but i hadnt realized that they would ever do this for me! It made me feel somewhat important. like i did matter when i was there!

Then i thought about my husband and everything he does for me and how he pushed me through my last year of school. never letting me give up and trying to relieve my stress as much as possible…even though i knew deep down he wanted me to be with him! I don’t know anyone who encouraged me as much as he did…My love for him increased as i realized all the things he still does to love me…and i realized hes never intentionally made me cry, never intentionally hurt me or my feelings. He cares for me like i’m the most precious piece of glass and i don’t know that ill ever deserve the way he loves me. All i know is i hope in my lifetime i can make him feel that way too!

“Just Focus”…my main goal in life was to graduate college so i can have a brighter future. Now that its over i only focus on being a wife and soon to be mother. Then in may i start online classes for my Masters in Counseling…and i wonder what its going to be like..what is my main focus to get me through the next few months? it hasn’t changed! i want a brighter better future but now with more furry than before because i have a husband who supports us all and i want to help him. I have a daughter who will need a lot of things and i want her to be proud of me! I want her to have hope for a future too! I want her to see what her father and i have struggled through and be encouraged that she can accomplish anything she wants!

I want other people to know the same thing. Maybe its not school, or work, it can be anything in life! Just focus on whats ahead. Focus on your dreams, or why you started what you’re doing and just keep going! I don’t care if the world falls apart underneath your feet! Just keep going! I did it and i’m still doing it! You can too!

 

39 weeks!

Today marks 39 weeks of my pregnancy! I feel like shes never gonna make her arrival into this world! i have this sense of nervousness about the whole process but i’m more antsy and ready to get this labor thing over with!! Especially since last week i was told that my daughter will have a big head! The doctor didn’t seem to concerned by i immediately twinged with pain as i realized labor may be much more difficult than i wanted it to be! But Good news is i’m already 50% thinned out and 2cm dilated and i’ve felt none of the contractions they say i’m having! Lets hope i can get another cm or 2 before i really feel the pain!

I get a checkup today too so im hoping for another cm! and i hope her head hasnt grown anymore! My mom arrives next Wednesday and im hoping the baby holds out until she gets here so my mom can watch her first grand baby be born! But if not i hope she comes quickly and doesnt give me too many problems!..or rather that my body does what its supposed to so i dont have to get a c-section! ill be devastated!

34 weeks :)

32 to 34 weeks

I had my 34 week check up yesterday and Myla is doing great! Her heartbeat was good and shes facing downwards getting ready for delivery! which i’m excited about bc i was worried she wouldn’t turn! I also gained 5 more lbs in the last 2 weeks! ugh so much for staying under 180! lol and the doctor said my belly grew 1cm..i dont think thats much but Michael thought it was huge! lol heres a pic of my progression 🙂 I dont think i look any different and i kinda look smaller in my opinion lol

Ive been Gone for way too long!!!

MANNNN! I feel like ive been gone for years, but its really been a few months.okay maybe a few more! Im back at school and i have only three more months left before i graduate and im thrust out into the real world! wow! it went by so fast! if youre in college, enjoy it! ive been in school for 3 and 1/2 years now and i still have no idea what im meant to do..welll maybe some…art..counseling of some sorts..im thinking of drug and alcohol counseling and working my way up! BC MAN are there alot of hours you have to obtain to be the best counselor ever!! 4000!!! yeah thats a life time of no funn!!! lol

Also, id like to share good news! I am 14 week pregnant tomorrow! yes im only 21 and freaking out bc who knows what life will throw at me now!!! Nevertheless i am excited. I cant wait for the 4 more weeks of anticipating the doctor telling me what my baby will be! (im hoping for a girl and so is my fiance!) everyone has boys! i want a girl so i can put bows in her hair and dress her up real cute and tell her shes beautiful!

More Good news! My fiance gets to come home for a few weeks before getting deployed once more for about 3-4 more weeks! then hell be home for Thanksgiving and no more deployments!!! YYayyyyyyy!!!!!! Then ill be packing up my stuff and moving to CA after the Christmas Holiday! Man life is moving so quickly! sometimes i think if i stopeed for one second it would all fly by in a whirlwind and knock me right off my feet!!!

Im taking a Spiritual Liberation through Yoga class this semester and i cant wait to see how it changes me! Ive been reading Gandhi non stop and trying to focus y mind on the present and not the past or future! But im pregnant so ive had to search and search for modifications and its hard! lol

Well thats all for now! i promise to post regularly!

If not love..then what?

I found this quote today:

Nothing that is worth doing can be achieved in our lifetime;
Therefore, we must be saved by hope.
Nothing which is true, or beautiful, or good, makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we must be saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, could be accomplished alone;
Therefore, we must be saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as it is from our own standpoint;
Therefore, we must be saved by the final form of love, which is forgiveness.

                                                             Reinhold Niebuhr

At this point in my life i have been more optimistic, more hopeful, and most filled with faith than i have at any other point in my life….everyone else tries to lift me up, give me advice or a hug..but idk that anyone actually has the faith that i do that these circumstances will work out for the best. i feel like im honestlly going it alone and im okay with that because i know in my heart God will let this work out for the best for me..even if no one else does…even if in the end im alone and have no one but myself and my mistake thatll be okay because at least i know i tried my hardest and tried with my whole heart! at least i didnt let the world, societys views, my fears of being judged, and my insecurities get me down. When this is over, no matter how it ends i hope i can lift my head high knowing everythings okay because i did my best to love, hope and have faith in the person i love, and in myself. 

I also saw this piece of advice today (just wish he took his own advice once in a while): 

yeah but remember one thing, no matter what you will get through it, remember that it is life and if this life is all you have you will live it to watch your babies grow and stay with the ones you love forever

it reminds me of the quote before. Because all in all were human and as humans were a sad bunch of people, lonely, negative, hungry for everything we dont have. BUT God gave us life! one life! why do we hold so tight to hurt instead of happiness? why do we give up so easily when God said hed never put us through anything in life that we cant handle…We have one life..why waste it? my last words may be the email i sent my Fiance saying i love him and feel so lost without him…i would be okay with that..would i be happy that i couldnt hug him or kiss him? no i wouldnt but id hope he would know i love him. Why cant we live with that notion in our heads everyday? like every word we said would be our last. It would change everything. As long as i have the people i love..or maybe i dont but as long as theyre happy and i know they are then i will be happy too.

Well get through this…well get through this one life because all we have is love, all we have are the people we love. life is completely meaningless without them. If i had to live one day without the people i loved most i would feel lost. i feel lost right now. Instead of dwelling on my fears of my love and others love for me not being enough to conquer this hurtle in my life i grasp onto the love we had and pray like crazy that it will get us through because if it cant..then idk what will

Thank You God for License Plates!!!

I woke up this morning to my kitten crying at my door so i woke up and decided to do my daily routine! Pee, get something to drink and then check my email and Facebook! i have neglected my Blog for weeks now until i saw this Blog from Jaclyn Rae On Broken Hearts and Beautiful Things. And i felt like God had given me this message through her! I felt my heart overflow twice over. I encourage you to read her blog before you read any further into mine.

I currently made not my first mistake ever..BUT my first really bad desicion that changed my whole life. I hurt people i loved so dearly, i hurt myself, i hurt my fiance…and now the rest of my life will be spent trying to win forgiveness from these people that i dont feel i deserve. When i found out that my actions have consequences i yelled at God (through my heart and soul…not really yelling out loud) WHY?? why the one time in my whole life i mess up does this have to happen to me? And i felt so angry, so hurt..but not as hurt as the people who love me and are trying to support me now in this crazy confusing time. I hated myself for allowing myself to be weak, to fall into who i used to be instead of who i am now..i hate myself for never being comfortable alone and for seeking comfort when i felt so painfully alone and insecure…I have prided myself in how much i have changed from that girl into the girl who can sit alone at lucnh and read a book while thousands of groups surround me, laughing with their friends…How could i allow myself to forget her?? I made a choice and i hated myself, i hated God for the consequence he bestowed upon me, and i hated my bad actions.

Then I started praying because i fully believe God gives everything in my life a reasn and purpose. There must be one for this. All at once i felt at peace. I prayed everything would be ok..i prayed for an hour as i drove to work and i prayed expecting my answer any minute. And then a white car cut in front of me on the highway. I was mad, until i saw that the license plate read CALIFORNIA…dont think im crazy yet!! lol It was strange bc i have never seen a California plate in Ohio!! I knew God was telling me it would be okay…(My Fiance lives in California. i Hurt him most)..then that same day i had a woman tell me i was brave and special even if no one would think so after i told the truth. The next day, i prayed again. Hoping God would help me again. With out a hesitation another cars plate read North Carolina..its more common but still very rare i see one! I felt at ease again and i knew it was going to be okay once again.( ive been planning on Going to Oak Island , North carolina to live with my fiance’s family for the rest of the summer)…it may be just wishful thinking or a very good way to look for God’s subtle hints in life but i know once i get there..TOMORROW!!!!!…then everything will fall into place for me. Im hoping im right!

Everyone has supported me and hugged me and told me theyre so proud of me for being strong and honest…i dont feel that way yet. Im still in the process of forgiving myself and allowing the people i love to forgive me too. I hope i Can do whatever it takes to win that forgiveness because i know i want it more than anything in this world!

Jaclyn said this, “We all experience things that aren’t supposed to happen. Things that happen at inopportune times. Things that happen when we’re unguarded and unprepared. Things that happen when we don’t have any time, money, or patience to spare. And when these things happen, we have two choices. We can invest ourselves deeply in the good things that remain, or we can mentally check-out of our lives. We can blame God, or we can seek God. We can harden our hearts, or we can let them soften.”

I fully believed my circumstance was not meant for me! i was caught off gaurd, shocked even. More scared than anything in this world! I made a choice to be angry, but i uickly changed that because i trust that God is Leading me through this life and its my choice as to what the outcome is. People have softened their hearts for me, others have hardened. I cant say that i blame them. I just know that i sought God and he met me. I pray every night. This has renewed my faith in a way it hasnt been in a while. It has also allowed me to fall in love with my Fiance all over again..not that i fell out of love but that i found a new reason to love him. He never left my side, and when he did it was for good purposes. He took the truth and held it so tight, trying to understand me and what my actions meant for us..yet he stands by me. No one has ever stood by me like he has. He is the strongest man i know. He uses his character and morals to suppport the people he loves and i dont know why God blessed me with him, but i dont deserve him at all! Someday God will bless him beyond words could ever imagine and i hope im there to witness it.

I Love You Completely…

Today i got an email from my Fiance that id love to share if you dont mind 🙂

Heyyy Beautiful, you went to bed so ill just send you an email.  Today has been an average day, yes I got pissed a bit from someone else’s stupidity but I think I was just blaming him when really I’m pissed I’m still on this boat, every day that passes is one day closer to you and I get happier but it’s also a day I lose with you.

I want to hold you in my arms again, I know distance gets harder over time, and I know we will survive this, and anything else we go through because this experience has taught me a lot! It taught me the areas I am most vulnerable with you, and it taught me how much a care about you, how to avoid arguments that shouldn’t have been arguments, and what we need to work on, which in my eyes is just communication with one another, we talk to each other often but we never tell each other how we feel about certain things, I mean eventually I should just be able to tell what will bother you and know I shouldn’t do it unless I risk you getting upset and vice versa. It has also taught me one of the most important things about us, it taught me why our love will last, and does so every day! And I’m so happy I relearn it again and again. I just wish I could expand that love and erase and worries or doubts about anything you have ever had!

What about you! What have you learned?

In the beginning of this deployment I drilled myself with work, giving me everything I could volunteer for, doing anything to take my mind away from being away from you, and it worked but as time went by I couldn’t help but to always think of you, what you are doing, how your day has been, what you did, or with who! I wondered if I was there what we would be doing, the things I would do for you to put a smile on your face, and how I smile every time I think of you!

Any words I can get from you, whether they are I love you, or a conversation helps me get by every day, every day I look forward to reading your emails, and wondering what you said, or if you’re not working so we can actually talk, or if you will be busy, every night I look at my ring you gave me and think of you and I sleep peacefully.

I look around now and I see these people and they are at work, yeah I mean they miss their lives and they miss their families but I wonder if they truly know what love is, if they think its just something they have to feel cuz there used to it, or is it something grand something that keeps your heart beating hard in your chest just from thinking about them or one smile from them can turn your day around, or just a few boosting words from them can lift you spirits, I feel that with you. I’ve never tried to word it, but everything I do it’s because you, even with my job, yeah I want to better myself but I like you being proud of me, I like impressing you, making you laugh or smile, I like the look in your eyes that you give me that melts the walls around me.

I just want that again, I want to see your smile, hear your thoughts, show you how goofy I am with my PJs lol or slips or tacky styles and hear your inputs on things, take you out to eat and just talk about nothing, watch a movie with you and ruin it for the old couple in front of us (which was a good movie ill admit, just trying to make your brother laugh there) haha. cuddle with you, or cook food and have fun with you in the process!

I feel like I’m rambling on about everything but idc, I just don’t know how to tell you I love you without words right now! idk how to make you smile from this far away! I don’t know how to make you laugh, or make jokes with you so far away.  Words just carry so much meaning to us right now that all see now is those words and they carry weight on us that can burden us or put us at ease!

when I say this I mean it with every heartbeat I’m capable of making in this life time, I love you without a doubt, anything I could give you I would to make you happy! I miss you so much it hurts and want to take away the hurt you feel from me being away. I am sorry we are going through this!

I Love You Completely

♥ Michael

 This email brought tears to my eyes..i remember my blog from yesterday about distance and this letter just lifted me up! Its hard but its nice knowing i have someone going through it with me..even if he is half a world away! I think of all the times ive been selfish on my part, have blamed him for the hurt and lonliness i feel, have wanted to give up talking because thats all we do and just argue because i dont know what else to do, and i feel so so terrible. I know im not perfect but knowing i am loved so completely by him and to read these words confirms for me why i am in love with him and why i go through this terrible seperation.

If you dont have someone like i have, dont give up hope! They come in all kinds if versions of good! And theres a guy or girl made perfectly for you! You just gotta open your heart up, know when to walk away from the wrong person and into a life of being single so that you can find this person, and pray like hell God is on your side and will bring them into your life! Never give up, all good things in life are the things we have to work hardest for 🙂