Tag Archives: love

The Authentic Me

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Ive been following a blog called Overexposed and Underdeveloped. I love the many posts they have by many different writers! They have all been talking about work lately and today I really loved  a post by Carmen Farrell..the idea of work being incorporated not as a real job we get paid for but one that helps us be ourselves, the work of being ourselves 100%..You can find that blog here.

This is something i’ve been struggling with my whole life! My husband and I were laying in bed the other night and we had a really long conversation about everything and nothing. He liked me when were were younger. He was my brothers best friend and the thought of dating him wasn’t even in my head. I wanted to know why he liked me then..maybe it would be the same reasons as now. But of coarse im a different person now..he said he liked me mostly because he was surrounded by ass holes and i was so nice to everyone. Yeah that sounds like me still..but im no where near as nice as i used to be. i dont let people walk all over me now..He also said that he liked my laugh then. I said what about my laugh now? My laugh was much higher pitched then. Now its different, more controlled i said. And it made me think of how different i really am from my 15 year old self. I tried to be my best self then but i was riddled with the thoughts of everyone else and tried to please everyone that i could, even myself..but i often ended up unhappy. If i even said a cuss word people looked shocked! My mother even said it wasnt who i was. Now i cuss without hesitation and usually never care..but there are times when i catch myself and wonder if i really am someone who could do without cussing..maybe but i havent stopped. 

I feel like ive been following someone elses lead my whole life. In middle school i desperately wanted to be liked. I left all my friends in Ohio and moved to North Carolina after my Dad died. I didnt know anyone, i was chubby and we weren’t rich so i couldnt get on any sports teams like i played in Ohio. I wanted to be skinny and i even starved myself for months to become so. Then people noticed me and liked me. People commented on how skinny i got and how pretty i was now. But even after all that i still looked at the girls around me, looked at myself, then still wished i were different. I never liked myself and wished i could better, skinnier, prettier. My inner self never mattered to me, just my appearance. I also met a boy who i went to church for and found my Faith in God. I thought by finding God i could be my 100% best. It hasn’t made me that but it has gotten me close, i found a new love for people, for wanting to help and accept all people. I went on mission trips and found a heart for service. I so desperately wanted to save the world. Even after getting that close to being a good me..i still felt empty. I still felt like i needed to impress people. I had to be nice always, choose things based on everyone else’s thoughts and opinions.

High school came around and it was a lot like Middle school. Impressing, being nice. Then i decided not to be..in 10th grade i dated a boy no one liked, he changed me, saw through what everyone else failed to see. i was an imposter. doing what everyone else wanted and not what i really felt i should do. I cussed more and did what i wanted. My mom could not, for the life of her understand why i liked him over other boys i dated. But she let it go. Then we moved back to Ohio. I was like a ghost coming back from the dead and reliving what life was like without me for 5 years. I knew faces and they knew me but no one cared to talk to me, or remember we had once been friends. Until a boy younger than me took notice of me and i him(eventually) and i followed his lead. I started drinking,,something i said id never do..even smoked weed (also thought id die before doing)..my weekends were full of people partying in my house and i loved it! i loved having friends and being surrounded by people and being accepted. I also let go of my soul. It started suffering the moment i said yes to things i knew weren’t in my morals. like smoking and having sex (that i thought meant something at first then just became what we did). I felt like i was spiraling downwards and i didn’t know who i was and i sure wasn’t nice and definitely not my best. 

I went on to college and for the first two years i struggled immensely with the version of myself that i was with that boy, and who i was with the friends i had made there. Of coarse we drank and acted silly but they were the best people i knew! i didnt know why God blessed me with such good people but he did and i was so happy to find them all. But at the other end i was being dragged down fast. It was so emotionally draining that i started getting depressed, then the panic attacks came on quick! back and forth x100000 and finally i stopped and realized i was not going to be who i needed unless i let go. and i did. It was hard but i did it with the help of my family. I finally started feeling good. like myself whoever she was! I started talking to my husband and he helped me see what true love was like, i could tell him anything about me and he never wanted me to change or be anything than the 100% authentic me. 

But being married and now being a wife means i have to consider peoples thoughts and make decisions as a team and frankly i hate it. i like making decisions for them but not for him to make decisions for me! lol

I thought about that laugh i had..i remember it. People always told me i had a cute laugh..it was carefree, spirited, now its controlled. I dont know how to find the 100% authentic me..but this is what i know about her:

  • i love to laugh..even if its controlled
  • I love God even though i dont know where to find him lately. and i dont believe in everthing the bible says or even if jesus is the only way to heaven. i think theres truths in all religions.
  • I definitely hate being told what to do and what my decision will be
  • and by judging all the times i just had to spell check..she cant spell either! lol
  • i wanna serve people and be 100% nice and mean it.
  • i hate when people tell me im wrong or facts are wrong when i know them to be 100% true and when they continue to say im wrong after ive given the evidence that im right!
  • i guess the previous means im stubborn!
  • I love Yoga and Buddhist ideals..even though im not ready to take them on as my own
  • i love being a mom and wife even when it means sacrificing things i want
  • i will sacrifice everything for the people i love
  • i will hold my family together when they want to fall apart
  • i wont pretend to like anyone that i dont but i will be polite because im not mean unless your mean to me first

You lead, Ill Follow. Ill Lead, You Follow!

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Yesterday my husband needed me to motivate him. Hes been wanting to get back into shape (which hurts my ego because hes 6’4″ and weighs 170 something..and he thinks he needs to be toned! Hes already toned! and im 167 and still carrying my baby fat from pregnancy!) So we went to the bike trail near our home and i rode my awesome old lady cruiser with Myla and he ran! I rode behind him most of the way, admiring his muscles! Its not a bad view! I told him i cant believe i get to look at him everyday! lol  But he started to get winded and so i passed him on my bike and i said “hows success working for you?! hahaha” he told me to shut up! lol If you know my husband like i do youll realize one thing! He is great at pushing other people to do stuff but when u show him up he gets pissed! lol He tries to work out with his brother, who is in less shape than he is and so he will tell him

“lets go man”

“your such a p****” (rude i know!)

“come on man you should be in better shape!”

and so on and so on with insults and banter between them! so i laughed when i passed him and he panted while running because his cardio is lacking! so what a perfect time to take a picture! haha

We stopped fr a break! he was so sweaty!

the bike path..It doesn't look nice but the view on each side is the ocean and the beach

me riding in front of him!

me riding behind

Daddy and Myla with their beanies on! this is after our ride/run. her little face looks wayy fatter then normal! lol

Even though my husband is a hardcore trainer lol I love that he gets me out of the house and outside!

Daily Quote-Pride and Prejudice

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 “In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.” Elizabeth’s astonishment was beyond expression. She stared, coloured, doubted, and was silent. This he considered sufficient encouragement, and the avowal of all that he felt and had long felt for her, immediately followed. He spoke well, but there were feelings besides those of the heart to be detailed, and he was not more eloquent on the subject of tenderness than of pride. His sense of her inferiority—of its being a degradation—of the family obstacles which judgment had always opposed to inclination, were dwelt on with a warmth which seemed due to the consequence he was wounding, but was very unlikely to recommend his suit”

Elizabeth was much too embarrassed to say a word. After a short pause, her companion added, “You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever.” Elizabeth feeling all the more than common awkwardness and anxiety of his situation, now forced herself to speak; and immediately, though not very fluently, gave him to understand, that her sentiments had undergone so material a change, since the period to which he alluded, as to make her receive with gratitude and pleasure, his present assurances.”

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Daily Quote-Their eyes were watching God

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I love Their Eyes were Watching God, by Zora Neale Hurston. I definately recommend it to everyone!

“Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they sail forever on the horizon, never out of sight, never landing until the Watcher turns his eyes away in resignation, his dreams mocked to death by Time. That is the life of men. Now, women forget all those things they don’t want to remember and remember everything they don’t want to forget. The dream is the truth. Then they act and do things accordingly.”

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God Looks Like Happiness

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Today when i woke up i do my everyday routine..wake up, feed Myla, change Myla, then on to the laptop to check emails/facebook/new blog posts/pintrest..u get it. But today one of my best friends posted this as her status on facebook, ” I think God looks like what happiness feels like.” Wow what a powerful statement and so very true!

I started thinking..what  does god look like to me?

God looks like:

Nature. i think im closest to seeing God, in the solitude of Nature. There, i am his creation experiencing all of his creation.

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My favorite color, GREEN! (im honestly convinced that God and I share the same favorite color! and I think im not crazy because EVERYTHING is green..ok well most of the world is either green or blue..the sky and the grass/trees/leaves..u know! lol)

The smile on my daughters face!

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He looks like my best friends! Through them i have more happiness and good memories than i could have ever asked for!

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He looks like my family. God creates us and delivers us into our families arms. He chooses our family for us. Through them we learn to be who we are. God says, this is what i want for u from the moment we are born and when i look at my family i see how loving God is and how much of a parent he is himself. Through my family i have seen strength, anger, tears and happiness, love, humor, disappointment. All the good and bad God makes he instilled in the family and I’ve seen it all.

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God looks like my new family..My husband. In him i see Gods unconditional love. I see acceptance and sacrifice! i see a fathers love. Thatas what God is right? a father!

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i even see god in my kitty, Mr. Watson! He is playful, but protective and always loving..so is God.

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God is everywhere. I see him in everything. How do u see God?

My Best Creation Yet! Part 2

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Now that I have shared the Birth details with you..i wanna share with you what it feels like now that my best creation yet has arrived and been with me for 3 weeks now! 

When i paint or draw i always have this sense of accomplishment and pride that comes when i’ve finished it. I always think, “wow i made that” or “that turned out better than i thought” and sometimes i’m unhappy with them and i work and work til the art work is exactly what i want it to be! But there is something in my child that fills me with a sense of pride and accomplishment that i’ve never been given before. It may be because without thinking, i created something beautiful. I cant find one flaw in her that i can rework or change a million times. Her fingers and toes are so tiny and delicate and i cant stop kissing them! Her eyes are so wandering and her head bobbles a lot! But i cant imagine a more beautiful little girl and God gave me her! 

I don’t think anyone ever prepared me for the love that i am filled with every time i look at her.’ When i married my husband i thought i knew the extent to which love reaches, but Myla has shown me how much farther that love and love in general can be deepened. I look in her little eyes and i just dont know how much i can love anyone as much as i love her. When i look at Michael holding her and the smile he has when he looks at her it warms my heart and sometimes brings tears to my eyes. I couldnt be any luckier than right now!

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I think she has taught me how deep love runs, and what i am capable of in life. No other creation of mine has taught me so much about myself, about Michael or about what we want out of life.  My love for Michael is so strong and is transformed every time i see him hold her or talk to her or give her “daddy kisses” (he kisses her a bunch of times all over her face) his heart is big and amazing and one day when she looks up him and says “daddy” my heart will leap with joy because i know how much love shes going to fill him with and how much shes going to love him back. She already looks up at him like hes the most amazing thing shes seen. That alone makes my love for them both implant it my heart and its growing roots that will strengthen over time and never be shaken. 

Every night i hope and pray that God has an amazing life planned for us and our family. I hope he watches over her and allows my creation and his creation to become a blossom that flourishes and never grows weary in this world. I know Michael and I will guide her into what she will become and i can only hope that she allows God to lead her too. I hope this creation changes the world with her heart and with her soul, i hope her smile lights up someones day and i hope she never utters a mean word that breaks someones spirit! This creation in unfinished…But Michael and I have a great start and i Hope we continue to make her into something amazing. 

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Even if she is needy and exhausting right now i cant wait to see what kind of person she becomes!

The Best Thing I’ve Created Yet! Part 1

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When i started this year i chose the word Create as my word for 2012. Little did i know that i had forgotten about the one thing id created that had not arrived yet..My daughter Myla. Let me tell you how absolutely painful and completely amazing it was to finally bring my best creation into this world. I wont skip any gruesome details, and all the things people never told me about that pissed me off! lol

 

I had scheduled to be induced at midnight on Thursday March 8th..so she would arrive sometime that Friday. I was excited because she was a week late and having a final date of when she would be born took away so much anxiety i was having as i anticipated the moment my water would break or the contractions would start. BUT she had different plans! Wednesday afternoon at 12:45 my water broke! it wasn’t a normal water breaking that id been told about! It slowly leaked out and i became more and more nervous and i couldnt figure out why until i stood up and it all rushed out! Thank God i had been wearing panty shields or it would have gotten my pants and the floor all wet! and thankgod our living room is very close to the bathroom! BUT!! thats not all! in the process of my water breaking my kitten managed to get lodged in between my dresser and the wall. He was howling and i couldnt find him. and so i gave up and sat down on the couch. He continues to howl so i get up..(Leaking begins) and i realize his meowing is coming from my dresser! How he got behind there is amazing bc its a tiny crack! he was stuck and i started freaking out because i thought he was going to die! i tried pushing him under the dresser but i quickly realized that was not going to happen he was stuck! Then i stood up and Bam water breaks and i run to the bathroom and freak out more because not only is my water just broken and this baby is coming but the damn cat picked the most inconvenient times to get stuck! Especially Because Michael was at work and hes the only one who can move this dresser to get him out! So here i am sqauting with no pants on pushing my hardest at the dresser (forget the baby right? this cat is about to be sqeezed to death!) no to mention it was PT day for the navy and Michael didn’t have his phone on him. 12 unanswered calls made me feel desperate! This cat was gonna die because i’m weak! lol i finally had the idea to lean the dresser not move it and the cat jumped out! Whooo! Now how about this baby!

Michael finally came home and we took our time getting to the hospital. We even stopped at McDonalds where i had a parfait and water. two hours later were at the Hospital and being checked in! After we got into our room they give me the Petosin to help my contractions along because although my water broke i had no contractions even after 3 hours! So when the contractions kicked in they asked about an epidural and i didn’t want one. That wasn’t in my plan! But after 8 hours of contractions i was only dilated to a 3 1/2 and i was in tears! i couldn’t move around i felt like i was dying! So i got the epidural! it was worth it too! Although i wanted to deliver completely natural i realized afterwards that if i hadn’t gotten one i wouldn’t have been able to push her out because i would’ve been exhausted.

Finally i had the urge to push and it took me 2 hours of pushing to get her head out. And it was exhausting and the epidural did not work at that point! So even though i got an epidural i delivered her naturally! i felt everything! I even pushed that button to release the medicine four times and nothing helped! Myla liked having her head touched when i was getting checked for dilation and the nurses always commented on her wiggling head. And now i felt what they were talking about because as she was coming down i could feel her head wiggling. Oh and the most embarrassing part! Every woman fears having a bowel movement and i was sure i wouldn’t have one..but i did! and it wasn’t as embarrassing as i thought it was.  The nurse told me it meant i was pushing right! lol

So after 2 hours of pushing and screaming in pain because i felt everything!!! Her head finally came out and the nurse told me to stop pushing! I was like huh?! shes coming out! Why would i stop! They said the doctor was called and she was on her way! But the doctor was slowwwww! i was screaming at the nurses as they were trying to hold the baby’s head in me so she wouldn’t come out before the doctor got there. I wasn’t waiting! i needed to push! Finally the Nurse realized i wasn’t kidding! So she delivered my baby! I was happy too because she was the nurse that was with us all night long and the doctor came in and sewed me up and cut the cord! She didn’t let Michael cut the cord! every father wants to cut the cord and she didn’t even ask! and then she left! So the nurse let him trim the cord because the doctor cut it too long.

I was so relieved when she came! All the pain was worth it and id go through it all over again to have her here! But there were things people never told me about that upset me! (Mostly due to my hormones still being crazy from pregnancy!) No one told me how painful it is when you have to get stitches and how swelled up you get! and then every time you go to the bathroom its a 30 minute process so that they don’t get infected! Also my legs and all of my muscles hurt so bad from labor i felt like i had been hit by a bus and it then backed up over me! I didn’t feel better for about a week and a half and i’m still healing! Also breast feeding is soo hard and it makes you feel so defeated when your baby still screams because shes hungry and you already fed her for and hour on each breast! It made me feel like a terrible parent because i was starving her! I would cry because i would feed her and then 30 minutes later she would be hungry again and she was sucking my breasts dry and wasn’t getting enough later on. I couldn’t clean or eat because i was constantly feeding her. Also i felt like crying for no reason all the time! the tiniest thing would make me cry! This due to lack of sleep and frustration over feeding her. Im sure there are more things that i cried about but that’s all i can think of now!

Then we decided to switch her to formula! we had what the hospital gave us and bought a can of formula too. But she was projectile vommitting and even gave me a huge scare when she stopped breathing because she vommitted twice in a row and couldnt catch her breath! her face scared me most! it was like she knew she couldn’t breathe and the scream that came out when she finally caught her breath was heart breaking! The one thing i feared my whole pregnancy and even when she was born was that i would loose her. And when she lost her breathe it became all to real how much of a fear that is for me! i cried for an hour and i was so scared to feed her again because i didn’t want her to throw up any more. So we switched her to Prosobee formula for sensitive stomachs and she barely spits up now! wheewww! Its such a relief to me now and i hardly worry about her vommitting and loosing her breath again. But Michael is trained in Baby CPR and he taught me so i feel a lot better!

Myla and our kitten that gave me such a hard time! Now hes her protector and sleeps beside her whenever i allow him to!

Just Focus!

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Being pregnant comes with one side effect they never tell you about! CRAZY weird vivid dreams! Sometimes ill wake up in a panic or sweating as i try to keep myself awake so i don’t fall back into the same dream! Other times ill wake up crying because the dream seemed so real that what i just witnessed really happened to me! Last night was one of those nights! except i woke up feeling like i had accomplished alot and i felt my sense of self had been renewed! It got me thinking…but first let me tell you my dream!

My dream started off with me being at the office i worked in while i was at Capital University. I was sitting in a large circle being stared at by a bunch of High School students!..If you go to Capital you know how inconvenient it is to have high schoolers come visit because our campus is already small and they take up alot of room and crowd the cafeteria!..anyways, My supervisor Teresa asked me to tell them the best piece of advice i had learned in my 4 years there..I thought about it one minute and then i said, “just focus!.” I went on to explain my 4 years and how no matter how many times i wanted to give up and go home, no matter how hard class got or how stressed out i had gotten as long as i focused on the reason i was there in the first place i could keep going. They all stared and then asked questions like, what about relationships and friends? I recounted how i had been in a relationship that tore me down but once i ended that and focused i was able to find my husband and he was my greatest encourager and my friends were also a great deal of help..and as long as you make the right relationships, healthy relationships you can make it through much easier and with a better outlook on life!

I woke up as my husbands alarm rang. Time for work again! When he leaves I usually sleep in until 10am but it seems today will not be one of those days. I started thinking about what i had told all those kids, about my husband and my friends, and “just focus.” I had my birthday 2 days ago but i didnt check my facebook until yesterday and i noticed a video posted by one of my best friends and a few girls that were in my major…they sang me happy birthday and wished me luck with the baby. I didnt realize how meaningful this video was to me until it was over and i wanted to cry! i saw these girls almost everyday but i hadnt realized that they would ever do this for me! It made me feel somewhat important. like i did matter when i was there!

Then i thought about my husband and everything he does for me and how he pushed me through my last year of school. never letting me give up and trying to relieve my stress as much as possible…even though i knew deep down he wanted me to be with him! I don’t know anyone who encouraged me as much as he did…My love for him increased as i realized all the things he still does to love me…and i realized hes never intentionally made me cry, never intentionally hurt me or my feelings. He cares for me like i’m the most precious piece of glass and i don’t know that ill ever deserve the way he loves me. All i know is i hope in my lifetime i can make him feel that way too!

“Just Focus”…my main goal in life was to graduate college so i can have a brighter future. Now that its over i only focus on being a wife and soon to be mother. Then in may i start online classes for my Masters in Counseling…and i wonder what its going to be like..what is my main focus to get me through the next few months? it hasn’t changed! i want a brighter better future but now with more furry than before because i have a husband who supports us all and i want to help him. I have a daughter who will need a lot of things and i want her to be proud of me! I want her to have hope for a future too! I want her to see what her father and i have struggled through and be encouraged that she can accomplish anything she wants!

I want other people to know the same thing. Maybe its not school, or work, it can be anything in life! Just focus on whats ahead. Focus on your dreams, or why you started what you’re doing and just keep going! I don’t care if the world falls apart underneath your feet! Just keep going! I did it and i’m still doing it! You can too!

 

An Explanation

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Lets just say today has not started off right and I don’t think it will be improving in the next few hours! BUT! I was enlightened by a blog posted by Messy Canvas called I Want to Explain. She was  feeling exactly what i am at this exact moment! I’m so grateful for this blog world and how connected and understood i feel by people who go through things that i do!

Do i feel the need to constantly explain myself so people will like me and accept me? Yes, everyday…Do i like that the one time i feel like i shouldn’t have to explain myself that i still have to? NO! But i do anyways. I hate it! So if i made a list of all the things i have to explain, or feel the need to explain it would look like this

  • why i’m not a social person
  • why i’m nice to everyone including people i don’t like
  • why i get scammed a lot 
  • why i took classes outside of my “religious beliefs”
  • why i took a sociology class just so i can get experience in working with the people we learn about
  • why i feel it necessary to defend homeless people
  • why i get upset easily
  • my whole life sometimes
  • experiences i’ve had that made me who i am
  • how i can spend a whole day reading
  • somedays i don’t feel like talking to anyone
  • why i would help people and serve people for free
  • why i make mistakes
  • why im not perfect
  • why i love so deeply 
  • why family is my first priority
  • why i agree with parts of other faiths and have incorporated them into my own
  • why i hug some of my best friends and not others
  • why i dont like being smothered
  • why i expect people to treat me like i treat them even if its unrealistic

Thats about all i have for now 🙂

Hello New Year!

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I haven’t kept up with my Blog since September because so much has happened in my life that thrust me into a new phase to prepare me for this year. So to Start im going to say GOODBYE! to all the things that 2011 brought and usher myself forward into 2012 with this blog I recently read from Shelby 🙂 2012 Love List.

Goodbye 2011!

Goodbye Ohio! I finally moved to Imperial Beach Ca to live with my husband, Michael who is in the Navy! We live ten minutes from Tijuana (which is kind of scarey) and like 2 seconds from the most beautiful beach I’ve seen yet! And Yes i said Husband! we finally got married in Sept. 2011! it wasn’t the wedding we planned buttt..it was the most meaningful and beautiful ceremony performed by a notary. And we are expecting our first baby girl to arrive in March! Her name is Myla! We have our own apartment which i plan on decorating with paintings and millions of pictures!!! I love cooking now and finding new recipies to try out! I recently made an apple crisp and it was amazing!!

Goodbye Capital University! I finally Graduated! All of my hard work to graduate early finally paid off! I spent countless hours stressing out, freaking out, panicking and crying but it was all worth it in the end. I get to walk across that stage in May! Then this summer i will take online classes to get my masters to become an LPC. I’m excited that another phase of my life is beginning!

So here is my 2012 Love List!

start blogging again

create a painting for my living room

decorate our apartment more

become a mommy and do the best i can raising her

walk with all my friends at Graduation Commencement in May

Be a good wife

Find a church

meet new people

stay connected with my Besties! and maybe meet a new friend

start school in the summer and make good grades!

Read a ton of new books!

Relax and enjoy life

Take a trip to Green Gables with all my friends!

Take a trip to LA! and see all the cool sights and tourist attractions