Category Archives: Dream Journal

These are my dreams! everyday ill post a place i want to travel, a dream i have, a hope or wish so that everyone can get to know me better! Enjoy!

The Best Thing I’ve Created Yet! Part 1

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When i started this year i chose the word Create as my word for 2012. Little did i know that i had forgotten about the one thing id created that had not arrived yet..My daughter Myla. Let me tell you how absolutely painful and completely amazing it was to finally bring my best creation into this world. I wont skip any gruesome details, and all the things people never told me about that pissed me off! lol

 

I had scheduled to be induced at midnight on Thursday March 8th..so she would arrive sometime that Friday. I was excited because she was a week late and having a final date of when she would be born took away so much anxiety i was having as i anticipated the moment my water would break or the contractions would start. BUT she had different plans! Wednesday afternoon at 12:45 my water broke! it wasn’t a normal water breaking that id been told about! It slowly leaked out and i became more and more nervous and i couldnt figure out why until i stood up and it all rushed out! Thank God i had been wearing panty shields or it would have gotten my pants and the floor all wet! and thankgod our living room is very close to the bathroom! BUT!! thats not all! in the process of my water breaking my kitten managed to get lodged in between my dresser and the wall. He was howling and i couldnt find him. and so i gave up and sat down on the couch. He continues to howl so i get up..(Leaking begins) and i realize his meowing is coming from my dresser! How he got behind there is amazing bc its a tiny crack! he was stuck and i started freaking out because i thought he was going to die! i tried pushing him under the dresser but i quickly realized that was not going to happen he was stuck! Then i stood up and Bam water breaks and i run to the bathroom and freak out more because not only is my water just broken and this baby is coming but the damn cat picked the most inconvenient times to get stuck! Especially Because Michael was at work and hes the only one who can move this dresser to get him out! So here i am sqauting with no pants on pushing my hardest at the dresser (forget the baby right? this cat is about to be sqeezed to death!) no to mention it was PT day for the navy and Michael didn’t have his phone on him. 12 unanswered calls made me feel desperate! This cat was gonna die because i’m weak! lol i finally had the idea to lean the dresser not move it and the cat jumped out! Whooo! Now how about this baby!

Michael finally came home and we took our time getting to the hospital. We even stopped at McDonalds where i had a parfait and water. two hours later were at the Hospital and being checked in! After we got into our room they give me the Petosin to help my contractions along because although my water broke i had no contractions even after 3 hours! So when the contractions kicked in they asked about an epidural and i didn’t want one. That wasn’t in my plan! But after 8 hours of contractions i was only dilated to a 3 1/2 and i was in tears! i couldn’t move around i felt like i was dying! So i got the epidural! it was worth it too! Although i wanted to deliver completely natural i realized afterwards that if i hadn’t gotten one i wouldn’t have been able to push her out because i would’ve been exhausted.

Finally i had the urge to push and it took me 2 hours of pushing to get her head out. And it was exhausting and the epidural did not work at that point! So even though i got an epidural i delivered her naturally! i felt everything! I even pushed that button to release the medicine four times and nothing helped! Myla liked having her head touched when i was getting checked for dilation and the nurses always commented on her wiggling head. And now i felt what they were talking about because as she was coming down i could feel her head wiggling. Oh and the most embarrassing part! Every woman fears having a bowel movement and i was sure i wouldn’t have one..but i did! and it wasn’t as embarrassing as i thought it was.  The nurse told me it meant i was pushing right! lol

So after 2 hours of pushing and screaming in pain because i felt everything!!! Her head finally came out and the nurse told me to stop pushing! I was like huh?! shes coming out! Why would i stop! They said the doctor was called and she was on her way! But the doctor was slowwwww! i was screaming at the nurses as they were trying to hold the baby’s head in me so she wouldn’t come out before the doctor got there. I wasn’t waiting! i needed to push! Finally the Nurse realized i wasn’t kidding! So she delivered my baby! I was happy too because she was the nurse that was with us all night long and the doctor came in and sewed me up and cut the cord! She didn’t let Michael cut the cord! every father wants to cut the cord and she didn’t even ask! and then she left! So the nurse let him trim the cord because the doctor cut it too long.

I was so relieved when she came! All the pain was worth it and id go through it all over again to have her here! But there were things people never told me about that upset me! (Mostly due to my hormones still being crazy from pregnancy!) No one told me how painful it is when you have to get stitches and how swelled up you get! and then every time you go to the bathroom its a 30 minute process so that they don’t get infected! Also my legs and all of my muscles hurt so bad from labor i felt like i had been hit by a bus and it then backed up over me! I didn’t feel better for about a week and a half and i’m still healing! Also breast feeding is soo hard and it makes you feel so defeated when your baby still screams because shes hungry and you already fed her for and hour on each breast! It made me feel like a terrible parent because i was starving her! I would cry because i would feed her and then 30 minutes later she would be hungry again and she was sucking my breasts dry and wasn’t getting enough later on. I couldn’t clean or eat because i was constantly feeding her. Also i felt like crying for no reason all the time! the tiniest thing would make me cry! This due to lack of sleep and frustration over feeding her. Im sure there are more things that i cried about but that’s all i can think of now!

Then we decided to switch her to formula! we had what the hospital gave us and bought a can of formula too. But she was projectile vommitting and even gave me a huge scare when she stopped breathing because she vommitted twice in a row and couldnt catch her breath! her face scared me most! it was like she knew she couldn’t breathe and the scream that came out when she finally caught her breath was heart breaking! The one thing i feared my whole pregnancy and even when she was born was that i would loose her. And when she lost her breathe it became all to real how much of a fear that is for me! i cried for an hour and i was so scared to feed her again because i didn’t want her to throw up any more. So we switched her to Prosobee formula for sensitive stomachs and she barely spits up now! wheewww! Its such a relief to me now and i hardly worry about her vommitting and loosing her breath again. But Michael is trained in Baby CPR and he taught me so i feel a lot better!

Myla and our kitten that gave me such a hard time! Now hes her protector and sleeps beside her whenever i allow him to!

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Just Focus!

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Being pregnant comes with one side effect they never tell you about! CRAZY weird vivid dreams! Sometimes ill wake up in a panic or sweating as i try to keep myself awake so i don’t fall back into the same dream! Other times ill wake up crying because the dream seemed so real that what i just witnessed really happened to me! Last night was one of those nights! except i woke up feeling like i had accomplished alot and i felt my sense of self had been renewed! It got me thinking…but first let me tell you my dream!

My dream started off with me being at the office i worked in while i was at Capital University. I was sitting in a large circle being stared at by a bunch of High School students!..If you go to Capital you know how inconvenient it is to have high schoolers come visit because our campus is already small and they take up alot of room and crowd the cafeteria!..anyways, My supervisor Teresa asked me to tell them the best piece of advice i had learned in my 4 years there..I thought about it one minute and then i said, “just focus!.” I went on to explain my 4 years and how no matter how many times i wanted to give up and go home, no matter how hard class got or how stressed out i had gotten as long as i focused on the reason i was there in the first place i could keep going. They all stared and then asked questions like, what about relationships and friends? I recounted how i had been in a relationship that tore me down but once i ended that and focused i was able to find my husband and he was my greatest encourager and my friends were also a great deal of help..and as long as you make the right relationships, healthy relationships you can make it through much easier and with a better outlook on life!

I woke up as my husbands alarm rang. Time for work again! When he leaves I usually sleep in until 10am but it seems today will not be one of those days. I started thinking about what i had told all those kids, about my husband and my friends, and “just focus.” I had my birthday 2 days ago but i didnt check my facebook until yesterday and i noticed a video posted by one of my best friends and a few girls that were in my major…they sang me happy birthday and wished me luck with the baby. I didnt realize how meaningful this video was to me until it was over and i wanted to cry! i saw these girls almost everyday but i hadnt realized that they would ever do this for me! It made me feel somewhat important. like i did matter when i was there!

Then i thought about my husband and everything he does for me and how he pushed me through my last year of school. never letting me give up and trying to relieve my stress as much as possible…even though i knew deep down he wanted me to be with him! I don’t know anyone who encouraged me as much as he did…My love for him increased as i realized all the things he still does to love me…and i realized hes never intentionally made me cry, never intentionally hurt me or my feelings. He cares for me like i’m the most precious piece of glass and i don’t know that ill ever deserve the way he loves me. All i know is i hope in my lifetime i can make him feel that way too!

“Just Focus”…my main goal in life was to graduate college so i can have a brighter future. Now that its over i only focus on being a wife and soon to be mother. Then in may i start online classes for my Masters in Counseling…and i wonder what its going to be like..what is my main focus to get me through the next few months? it hasn’t changed! i want a brighter better future but now with more furry than before because i have a husband who supports us all and i want to help him. I have a daughter who will need a lot of things and i want her to be proud of me! I want her to have hope for a future too! I want her to see what her father and i have struggled through and be encouraged that she can accomplish anything she wants!

I want other people to know the same thing. Maybe its not school, or work, it can be anything in life! Just focus on whats ahead. Focus on your dreams, or why you started what you’re doing and just keep going! I don’t care if the world falls apart underneath your feet! Just keep going! I did it and i’m still doing it! You can too!

 

Hello Artworld!!!

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So this year i decided to enter the student art show..which ive never done before..so my friend Naomi helped me to know how to frame and wire all the things i wanted to enter and i submitted them Yesterday at 1pm! I thought i would have to wait til Monday to find out which ones would be accepted. I hoped at least one of the six would be accepted.

So i had art history class today and i forgot that i walk right through the gallery and i found out that 4 of the six artworks i entered was accepted! im so ecstatic! I cant wait for the galery opening so i can show other people my work and feel proud that its acually hanging in a gallery for at least a little while!!

so here are some pics of the ones that were accepted!

My face swirled in with Michaels..like a kaleidescope!

The secrets i keep

Me hidden behind layers of images..looks really mysterious!

The Drexel Theater by my school! i love this old hollywood looking pic

Painting i did sonphomore year with oils and a palette knife

When I Die Bury me Beneath the Sunflowers!

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I have been to one funeral in my life, my fathers; but I have had three loved ones die. I never went to my grandmothers funeral but I saw her gravestone once. My aunt was cremated but I have not seen her urn. This is as far as my thoughts have gone about funerals and cremation. However, recently I have been thinking about my own death and what characteristics I would like it to hold true for me. How would I like to die and how would I like to be remembered? Would I like to be buried and have a funeral or be cremated and put into an urn? Neither of these gave me much rest. How could I be remembered in a way that is unique and would make people smile and laugh and reminisce? Then the answer came to me!

I would not like a funeral. My experience was one of sorrow; not of rejoicing and celebrating the life that my father had. I don’t want people to be sad or to think about the life that I lost, but rejoice for the life that I lived. I do not want my family to pay thousands for a coffin or burial plot or to dress in black and mourn my death in ceremony. I do not want a tombstone that marks the place where I rest, because my soul does not rest there. I do not want my family to visit a stone, a cold lonely stone, with no life or remembrance of me other than that I no longer have life.

However, I would like to be cremated. But the urn will not be the final resting place of my body. I would like my family to have a memorial for me. Someplace with a beautiful, lush garden that smells of flowers every time the wind blows. I would like for the sun to warm their faces and their hearts and know that I loved little moments like these. I want the serene silence of nature to fill their minds and give them peace in their soul, like it has mine. I want them to find a grand tree, with branches so high you cant see the sky! They will sit or stand beneath this tree, maybe in white chairs or on the grass. I want each person to remember me in the way that they like: a funny story or memory, a song or poem that they like or that they knew I liked. This is first most important part. It is the part I look forward to every time I’m with my fathers family because it touches my heart so deeply in a way that nothing else can. It brings life to his memory.

After everyone has shared and everyone is finished reminiscing I want two things to happen. The first is for everyone to be given a sunflower and a small hand shovel. Then I would like each person to chose a place in the garden for their sunflower to grow. Then they will plant the flower in the ground with some of my ashes from the urn. The reason I want this to happen is because I love sunflowers. They are the happiest flowers, always reaching towards the sun and smiling down at us as they tower up in height. Another reason I have for this is because I am part native American. In certain Native American rituals purging by fire can be very life giving. They will use ashes from these ceremonies and plant them into nature to help give life to the earth. It can also be seen in forest fires. Even after the most devastating fires a flower will spring up from the ruins. In the same way that my body is burned and planted back into the earth, I will still be giving life although I am dead.

Also, I want a rock to go into the garden that’s reads, “everywhere a sunflower stands remember this: Many flowers open to the sun but only one follows it constantly. Heart be thou the sunflower. Not only open to receive Gods blessing but constant in looking at him” by Jean Paul Richter. I just love this because it describes so much about the flower but also about how I think faith should be lived out.

Second, I want my ashes to be incorporated into a painting. My family and friends can choose to do separate paintings of their favorite memory of me, or they can do a giant painting all together. They will use my ashes mixed with paint to create a textured painting that they can keep for themselves to remember me. Because in the same way that I love the serenity of nature I love the power of art. I love it so much I wish I could be art and this is my way of doing this. If you think this is strange or even weird, I would like to introduce you to Val Thompson who creates memorial art work for people using the ashes of their loved ones. She has created her own business called ash2art. I was excited to find that my idea was not as kooky as I thought it was.

I want my life to be celebrated as I was and for what I was passionate about. I want my loved ones to be happy that I loved my life and I would want them to continue to love theirs. When they see the flower they planted randomly in a garden and see that it has towered above all the others, they can smile or laugh at its awkwardness and know that I hope my life had been led in a way that made me stand out from the rest. They will see the painting with me in it and know that their memory is now living, as I live in that picture and I became my passion.

Failure is not an option!!!

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Today im linking up with Jaclyn Rae for her blog –Would your 10 year-old self like the person you’ve become? What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?

When i was ten years old i used my dads fishing lines in a pond becuase i wanted to fish and they got stuck in trees and id fill up his cooler with tadpoles and hed find them all dead the next day when he needed his cooler for work!

id ask my mom to draw me pictures of a woman and shed draw me stick figures with triangle dresses and bows on their heads and flippy hair!

i climbed trees and ran around barefoot. I stayed outside all day and i loved softball! i could lay outside underneath the stars all night. i loved camping outside in my friends tents and having sleepovers.

I loved swinging from the braches of the willow trees near the creek down the road from my house. and i loved shells so much that my friend and i went underneath the bridge near our school and collected tinsey tiny shells that no one but us knew were there.

I chased lightening bugs and played in the mud puddles..barefoot!

I would draw and color all day and write cute little poems for my mom and for me..

i didnt care what anyone thought and i was care free….

Now thats all gone..and im nothing like her anymore.

i dont like fishing anymore because i dont have the patience and i only like thepart of peace and quiet of sitting with someone. i dont draw anymore because “i dont have the time.” i dont go outside barefoot because it hurt my feet, and i rarely look at the stars because i dont slow down enough to admire them. i hate running and im not athletic at all. sleepovers and camping never happen because money is more important and i have 2 jobs to pay bills. i still love trees and shells but i dont swing from them lol. i stil love lightening bugs but i dont capture them because its mean, and i would never jump in a mud puddle because i dont want to get dirty. i care too much about what people think and im always stressed…WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MEEE!!!

If i could be that carefree girl again and never fail at what i did these are the things id do:

  • Start a non profit organization that helps the homeless back into society so that their lives can thrive again. I’d own a building where they could live and have counselors help them with their struggles. id have people donate clothing and buisness atire so they could go out and get jobs. I have a financial advisor teach them how to save and manage money so that they can have their own homes again and  be successful enough that they wont worry about being homeless again
  • id have an at risk youth program for the arts
  • climb a mountain
  • Create a program in prisons and juvenlie corrections that helps people change their behaviors too. today we spend money on keeping them ot of society so that they wont hurt anyone else..and when they are entered back into society they usually repeat the same actions bc they were imprisoned with other criminals and because they arent allowed acess to the outside world. Most are dealing with addictions, we’d adress that. Id give them a better reason to live by showing them better ways to live life and work hard to get ahead without committing crimes. Id have an intense experiental approach to keep teens out of the system. introducing them to what their future holds if they continue on this path and also introduce classes they can take so that they have usable skills for when they are released so they could get jobs and stay more out of trouble

Dreams of a Wedding Gone Wrong!!

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Again heres another dream for my dream journal…except im not too sure id want this to happen..in fact id cry if it did!! it was somewhat of a nightmare for me lol

I had this dream last night about my wedding next year..and lets just say it did not happen anything like what im planning now! It started out fine and it was the day of my wedding..except when i go to put on my dress its not what i wanted at all!!! so im freaking out! I picture myself in a lace form fitting dress that buttons up the back! nooo..this dress was lace but you could see straight through it and it was baggy and unflattering! Apparently my moms friend sherri had it made. Made! i didnt want some stranger hand making this crappy dress! so i went with her and made her tell the woman to fix it! I wanted fabric added under the lace and i dont want the long sleeves! i want strapless!

Then the dream changes and im where the ceremony is going to take place..but im confused bc this is not the pavilion i have in mind now…its a park with a pool? and a really pretty bridge going over the pool…it was nice…but not what i would choose. anyways, there are people everywhere swimming when they should be sitting in the chairs getting ready to see me come down the eisle. I run out and start screaming that they needed to get out of the pool and everything and i realize i dont know half of these people. So i tell my mom that we needed to get everone out of the pool and into a line to come into the church (i guess thats the building im getting ready in) and so she does..and i start letting people in until i realize idk any of them and i start telling them they need to leave bc idk who they are. and then theres a blonde woman who gets so offended and my mom tells me that she was a reporter covering the wedding. WELL I DONT WANT HER HERE!! i get so upset at this point! i realize no one even came to my wedding except my family and Michaels family and now i find out i have to pay extra for my dress and i start to cry! its such a disaster!!.

My dream flashes to my mom and sherri talking about how they have this much money and we should just all go to the beach and have a small ceremony with just us. She comes to me and tells me the plan and im immediately excited. So we all get into our cars and start driving to the airport..when we get there im so confused bc i dont see why we dont just drive and save the money for the plane tickets. So my dream begins to take place in the airport..

Rachels friend Steve is suddenly there and hes all dressed in a tux, without the jacket, and hes carrying my new dress and he and rachel are trying to help me find a place to put it on. So he runs off while im bombarded by Michaels nephews Mathew and Michael and they are jumping on me and making me play with them and i suddenly realize idk where my dress is! i yell to Steve WHERE IS MY DRESSS???!!! and he tells me its in the fourth stall and i start to look for it and once i enter the bathroom im suddenly taken into a room over looking the beach. and my sister opens the dress bag and laughs and then says, “i dont think this is the right dress!” and i put it on and its this short puffy dress that makes me look like im wearing cotton balls! i am so upset and then i wake up!!

so that was my strange dream! i hope you find it as amuzing as i do now..or even kinda weird! lol

Taj Mahal

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                                        My next dream is to see the Taj Mahal in Agra, India!

Of coarse its the most beautiful buildings ive ever seen! But i love that it was built as a memorial by Shah Jahan for his third wife Mumtaz Mahal after she died givimg birth to their 14th child. It truley is a symbol of eternal love! You gotta love history!!!

Nightmares

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So for my dream this week ill be telling you about my nightmare i had last night! I have reacurring dreams alot and this was one of them…except i never used to know who all the people in my dream were until last night lol…i know it might not sound like a nightmare but for me it was, mostly because of how detailed it was and it went on like a movie. Usaully my dreams are fragmented..i guess youd have to see it the way i did to know why it was so scarey to me..and it took me forever to fall back asleep again.

Ok so my dream went like this:

I was in a house with Kayla(fiances sister in law) and we were playing with her babies and laughing at how cute they were..this part of the dream went on for a while until it started to change and her parents came over. They were acting reall funny. Like those people in movies who come into anothers persons house and do whatever they want even when theyre there..like convicts or something lol…and then Steven come home (kaylas husband) and i tell him i have to talk to him and we walk outside towards the woods (mind u they normally live at the beach..in the dream we all lived in the middle of the woods…like middle of nowhere) and we start walking along the path and im telling him how funny her parents were acting and how they werent respecting his parents house and everything and as he starts to talk we look up and see police lights and officers scowering the woods. A lady officer approaches us and tells us there has been a gruesome murder and they are investigating so we cant walk here. We say ok and turn around. When we get back we see that Daymon (my brother) is washing off these cars and a Semi(kaylas dads truck) with a hose. As im walking behind these cars and trucks a guy comes up behind me and says hello beautiful and picks me up. He tries kissing me and i keep pushing him away telling him idk who he is and im not his gf and he insists that i am! All of a sudden I have a Twin sister and i say im not my sister u got us mixed up! and she comes around the corner and laughs at his mistake!…but she has blonde hair…(idk how or why i had a twin in my dream its soo weird)…Then Daymon starts washing the semi and as he puts the hose over the grill of it blood pours into the grass! we all scream and we start questioning where it came from. Somehow we know Kaylas dad had something to do with this and his strange behavior makes  us question whether or not he murdered those people in the woods. My dream skips at this point and the next thing i remember is that im watching as these men, Kaylas dad and his friend have been locked in a bedroom because theyre the killers and im watching as they talk to each other about murdering us when were sleeping and hididng our bodies. Idk where her mom went but she never appears in my dream again. I also am watching as my brother, steven, and my fiance michael are burying things in our front yard, screaming for everyone to hurry so the cops dont find out ( i find it strange they are doing this in the front yard for anyone to see if they arrived). Im telling them to hurry and i suddenly realize that this is “evidence” but idk what kind of eveidence it is bc it looks like theyre burying a bunch of old junk!

I go back in the house and i see Kayla and my sister Rachel hididng in a corner and im supposed to hide with them and i do. we huddle and then the bf of my twin comes to the window and begins screaming at us..telling us he knows what we did and hell kill us and starts hitting on the window trying to get at us…so my brother runs in and takes a bat and slams it through the window hitting the guy in the head killing him on accident.

We freak out and all of a sudden im standing in the front yard and its years later and  i see Matthew and Nathan (Steven and Kaylas babies) running towards me and Nathan asks if ill help him with his homework(they must be at least 7 and 8 now) and matthew laughs at how nerdy he is and i hug him and say of coarse illl help you.

Then i have another flash and i can see these people who years later were murdered and they are hit by the semi and somehow the semi acts like a shredder because their bodies are grinded up and then men dispose of them in the woods…

and that was the end of the dream…it seems so ridiculous because of all the unrealistic things that happen..like why dont we call the police instead of locking the men in the room..or what relevance does it have that i dream of their kids years later then see how those people were murdered, or why were hiding, or why i have a twin? its weird lol but i guess dreams arent supposed to be realistic in that sense. but i was scared nonetheless because of how intense i feel throughout the dream.n

A Family

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 My next dream would be to have a family. My family has played such a huge role in my life. I cherish every minute of them, good and bad! I want to experience what its like to be a wife and a mother. I want to have the responsibility of educating and loving other people that will then go on to shape our world. Its exciting to me!  I look at my sisters and brother and imagine my children doing the things we did growing up and how much hell we put my mom through sometimes. But i also know how proud she is of us. And i want to feel that too for my children no matter what they do in life.

I

Michael holding his nephew Michael

 watched Michael play with his nephews and i loved it. I imagined how he would be with our kids. How much he would teach them and how he would love them and play with them. He even Babysat for his sisters when we took a day and went to Myrtle Beach to shop. He changed their diapers and played with them all day. I cant wait to watch him be a father to our children!

this is not my picture but from an online childrens clothing store  When i have a daughter i want to name her Leighton Ann. I will tell her that shes always beautiful and smart and that she can do anything in the world she wants! Like my mom did me!
I will buy her all the things she needs to play dress up so that she can imagine that shes a queen! i will hug her and kiss her all the time and teach her to respect herself and love herself no matter what! I will let Michael spoil her because i know she will be the apple of his eye! I will put her in dance or let her play sports and i will teach her to read (ill read her stories everynight) and think deeply about the world. I will teach her to see the world through an artists eye. I will encourage her to be compassionate and caring and to be humble. I will allow her to be whoever she wants to be and to pursue her dreams. again not my photo
                When i have a little boy i would name him any of the following: Daymon, Ryan, Wyatt, Riley, (as you can tell i havent thought a whole lot about boy names!). I would teach him to have great courage and to always face his fears. I would teach him about respect and honesty and how he should treat women. I would teach him to go on great adventures..as long as theyre safe! I would laugh when he gets so dirty and yell when he brings in stray animals and bugs! I would also teach him to read and how to think deeply. I would teach him how to be loving and kind, yet strong and determined. I would encourage his dreams and hope that he becomes a beautiful, loving Man! Michael can teach him the rest!
Together i would teach them to love and take care of each other. I would teach them to love God and to put him first in their lives.  I would hope that they would be close and share secrets and create great stories together and i cant wait to hear them laughing together from another room. Or to see them hug and comfort each other. I cant wait for all these things and i know God will give me this dream when i am most ready for it in the future.