The Authentic Me

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Ive been following a blog called Overexposed and Underdeveloped. I love the many posts they have by many different writers! They have all been talking about work lately and today I really loved  a post by Carmen Farrell..the idea of work being incorporated not as a real job we get paid for but one that helps us be ourselves, the work of being ourselves 100%..You can find that blog here.

This is something i’ve been struggling with my whole life! My husband and I were laying in bed the other night and we had a really long conversation about everything and nothing. He liked me when were were younger. He was my brothers best friend and the thought of dating him wasn’t even in my head. I wanted to know why he liked me then..maybe it would be the same reasons as now. But of coarse im a different person now..he said he liked me mostly because he was surrounded by ass holes and i was so nice to everyone. Yeah that sounds like me still..but im no where near as nice as i used to be. i dont let people walk all over me now..He also said that he liked my laugh then. I said what about my laugh now? My laugh was much higher pitched then. Now its different, more controlled i said. And it made me think of how different i really am from my 15 year old self. I tried to be my best self then but i was riddled with the thoughts of everyone else and tried to please everyone that i could, even myself..but i often ended up unhappy. If i even said a cuss word people looked shocked! My mother even said it wasnt who i was. Now i cuss without hesitation and usually never care..but there are times when i catch myself and wonder if i really am someone who could do without cussing..maybe but i havent stopped. 

I feel like ive been following someone elses lead my whole life. In middle school i desperately wanted to be liked. I left all my friends in Ohio and moved to North Carolina after my Dad died. I didnt know anyone, i was chubby and we weren’t rich so i couldnt get on any sports teams like i played in Ohio. I wanted to be skinny and i even starved myself for months to become so. Then people noticed me and liked me. People commented on how skinny i got and how pretty i was now. But even after all that i still looked at the girls around me, looked at myself, then still wished i were different. I never liked myself and wished i could better, skinnier, prettier. My inner self never mattered to me, just my appearance. I also met a boy who i went to church for and found my Faith in God. I thought by finding God i could be my 100% best. It hasn’t made me that but it has gotten me close, i found a new love for people, for wanting to help and accept all people. I went on mission trips and found a heart for service. I so desperately wanted to save the world. Even after getting that close to being a good me..i still felt empty. I still felt like i needed to impress people. I had to be nice always, choose things based on everyone else’s thoughts and opinions.

High school came around and it was a lot like Middle school. Impressing, being nice. Then i decided not to be..in 10th grade i dated a boy no one liked, he changed me, saw through what everyone else failed to see. i was an imposter. doing what everyone else wanted and not what i really felt i should do. I cussed more and did what i wanted. My mom could not, for the life of her understand why i liked him over other boys i dated. But she let it go. Then we moved back to Ohio. I was like a ghost coming back from the dead and reliving what life was like without me for 5 years. I knew faces and they knew me but no one cared to talk to me, or remember we had once been friends. Until a boy younger than me took notice of me and i him(eventually) and i followed his lead. I started drinking,,something i said id never do..even smoked weed (also thought id die before doing)..my weekends were full of people partying in my house and i loved it! i loved having friends and being surrounded by people and being accepted. I also let go of my soul. It started suffering the moment i said yes to things i knew weren’t in my morals. like smoking and having sex (that i thought meant something at first then just became what we did). I felt like i was spiraling downwards and i didn’t know who i was and i sure wasn’t nice and definitely not my best. 

I went on to college and for the first two years i struggled immensely with the version of myself that i was with that boy, and who i was with the friends i had made there. Of coarse we drank and acted silly but they were the best people i knew! i didnt know why God blessed me with such good people but he did and i was so happy to find them all. But at the other end i was being dragged down fast. It was so emotionally draining that i started getting depressed, then the panic attacks came on quick! back and forth x100000 and finally i stopped and realized i was not going to be who i needed unless i let go. and i did. It was hard but i did it with the help of my family. I finally started feeling good. like myself whoever she was! I started talking to my husband and he helped me see what true love was like, i could tell him anything about me and he never wanted me to change or be anything than the 100% authentic me. 

But being married and now being a wife means i have to consider peoples thoughts and make decisions as a team and frankly i hate it. i like making decisions for them but not for him to make decisions for me! lol

I thought about that laugh i had..i remember it. People always told me i had a cute laugh..it was carefree, spirited, now its controlled. I dont know how to find the 100% authentic me..but this is what i know about her:

  • i love to laugh..even if its controlled
  • I love God even though i dont know where to find him lately. and i dont believe in everthing the bible says or even if jesus is the only way to heaven. i think theres truths in all religions.
  • I definitely hate being told what to do and what my decision will be
  • and by judging all the times i just had to spell check..she cant spell either! lol
  • i wanna serve people and be 100% nice and mean it.
  • i hate when people tell me im wrong or facts are wrong when i know them to be 100% true and when they continue to say im wrong after ive given the evidence that im right!
  • i guess the previous means im stubborn!
  • I love Yoga and Buddhist ideals..even though im not ready to take them on as my own
  • i love being a mom and wife even when it means sacrificing things i want
  • i will sacrifice everything for the people i love
  • i will hold my family together when they want to fall apart
  • i wont pretend to like anyone that i dont but i will be polite because im not mean unless your mean to me first
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Daily Quote-Message in a Bottle

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I loved Nicholas Sparks “Message In A Bottle”

“Nothing that’s worthwhile is ever easy. Remember that.”

“If you like her, if she makes you happy, and if you feel like you know her—then don’t let her go.”

“True love is rare, and it’s the only thing that gives life real meaning.”

“Without you in my arms, I feel an emptiness in my soul. I find myself searching the crowds for your face – I know it’s an impossibility, but I cannot help myself.”

“Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. But most of all, thank you for showing me that there will come a time when I can eventually let you go.

 

You lead, Ill Follow. Ill Lead, You Follow!

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Yesterday my husband needed me to motivate him. Hes been wanting to get back into shape (which hurts my ego because hes 6’4″ and weighs 170 something..and he thinks he needs to be toned! Hes already toned! and im 167 and still carrying my baby fat from pregnancy!) So we went to the bike trail near our home and i rode my awesome old lady cruiser with Myla and he ran! I rode behind him most of the way, admiring his muscles! Its not a bad view! I told him i cant believe i get to look at him everyday! lol  But he started to get winded and so i passed him on my bike and i said “hows success working for you?! hahaha” he told me to shut up! lol If you know my husband like i do youll realize one thing! He is great at pushing other people to do stuff but when u show him up he gets pissed! lol He tries to work out with his brother, who is in less shape than he is and so he will tell him

“lets go man”

“your such a p****” (rude i know!)

“come on man you should be in better shape!”

and so on and so on with insults and banter between them! so i laughed when i passed him and he panted while running because his cardio is lacking! so what a perfect time to take a picture! haha

We stopped fr a break! he was so sweaty!

the bike path..It doesn't look nice but the view on each side is the ocean and the beach

me riding in front of him!

me riding behind

Daddy and Myla with their beanies on! this is after our ride/run. her little face looks wayy fatter then normal! lol

Even though my husband is a hardcore trainer lol I love that he gets me out of the house and outside!

Watercolors!!

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Here I am trying to dabble in watercolors! I”ve never tried them before and i find it very challenging! i like to be in control and this is me letting go and trying to feel the medium and see what i can do with it! i used some blowing techniques i found and used some salt too. ImageImageDont Judge if im terrible lol I def need to work on it!

Daily Quote- When Crickets Cry

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From Charles Martin’s “When Crickets Cry.”

“…but maybe life is like that – you never know when something that’s been hidden is going to rise up and bite you, or glow with a golden hue.” 

 

“People marvel at the genius of Mozart because he supposedly wrote “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” at the age of three and composed his first symphony at the age of twelve. And yes, of course he was a genius, but another way to look at it is that he just discovered early what it was God made him to do. That’s all. For some reason, God gave him a little extra, or a little something different, and Mozart found out what that was and then got a head start on using it. Of course he was brilliant, but that’s not the point. The point is he knew, and then he got to work.” 

 

(title of book) “Why, their crying.” I leaned in and tried to hear. She whispered in my ear “only if you listen closely, and you WANT TO, you can hear when the crickets cry.” I leaned in again. “No, no, no. You don’t listen with your ears, you hear them with your heart.” “Why are they crying?” “Because they know it’s their life for mine.”

Daily Quote-Pride and Prejudice

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 “In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.” Elizabeth’s astonishment was beyond expression. She stared, coloured, doubted, and was silent. This he considered sufficient encouragement, and the avowal of all that he felt and had long felt for her, immediately followed. He spoke well, but there were feelings besides those of the heart to be detailed, and he was not more eloquent on the subject of tenderness than of pride. His sense of her inferiority—of its being a degradation—of the family obstacles which judgment had always opposed to inclination, were dwelt on with a warmth which seemed due to the consequence he was wounding, but was very unlikely to recommend his suit”

Elizabeth was much too embarrassed to say a word. After a short pause, her companion added, “You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever.” Elizabeth feeling all the more than common awkwardness and anxiety of his situation, now forced herself to speak; and immediately, though not very fluently, gave him to understand, that her sentiments had undergone so material a change, since the period to which he alluded, as to make her receive with gratitude and pleasure, his present assurances.”

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Daily Quote-Their eyes were watching God

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I love Their Eyes were Watching God, by Zora Neale Hurston. I definately recommend it to everyone!

“Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they sail forever on the horizon, never out of sight, never landing until the Watcher turns his eyes away in resignation, his dreams mocked to death by Time. That is the life of men. Now, women forget all those things they don’t want to remember and remember everything they don’t want to forget. The dream is the truth. Then they act and do things accordingly.”

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God Looks Like Happiness

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Today when i woke up i do my everyday routine..wake up, feed Myla, change Myla, then on to the laptop to check emails/facebook/new blog posts/pintrest..u get it. But today one of my best friends posted this as her status on facebook, ” I think God looks like what happiness feels like.” Wow what a powerful statement and so very true!

I started thinking..what  does god look like to me?

God looks like:

Nature. i think im closest to seeing God, in the solitude of Nature. There, i am his creation experiencing all of his creation.

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My favorite color, GREEN! (im honestly convinced that God and I share the same favorite color! and I think im not crazy because EVERYTHING is green..ok well most of the world is either green or blue..the sky and the grass/trees/leaves..u know! lol)

The smile on my daughters face!

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He looks like my best friends! Through them i have more happiness and good memories than i could have ever asked for!

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He looks like my family. God creates us and delivers us into our families arms. He chooses our family for us. Through them we learn to be who we are. God says, this is what i want for u from the moment we are born and when i look at my family i see how loving God is and how much of a parent he is himself. Through my family i have seen strength, anger, tears and happiness, love, humor, disappointment. All the good and bad God makes he instilled in the family and I’ve seen it all.

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God looks like my new family..My husband. In him i see Gods unconditional love. I see acceptance and sacrifice! i see a fathers love. Thatas what God is right? a father!

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i even see god in my kitty, Mr. Watson! He is playful, but protective and always loving..so is God.

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God is everywhere. I see him in everything. How do u see God?

Religious life is life

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excerpt from “Living Buddha, Living Christ” by Thich Nhat Hanh

 

Twenty years ago at a conference I attended of theologians and professors of religion, an Indian Christian friend told the assembly, “We are going to hear about the beauties of several traditions, but that does not mean that we are going to make fruit salad”. When it came my turn to speak, I said, “Fruit salad can be delicious! I have shared the Eucharist with Father Daniel Berrigan, and our worship became possible because of the sufferings we Vietnamese and Americans shared over many years”. Some of the Buddhists present were shocked to hear I had participated in the Eucharist, and many Christians seemed truly horrified. To me, religious life is life. I do not see any reason to spend one’s whole life tasting just one kind of fruit. We human beings can be nourished by the best values of many traditions.

 

Professor Hans Kung has said, “Until there is peace between religions, there can be no peace in the world”. People kill and are killed because they cling too tightly to their own beliefs and ideologies. When we believe that ours is the only faith that contains the truth, violence and suffering will surely be the result. The second precept of the Order of Interbeing, founded within the Zen Buddhist tradition during the war in Vietnam, is about letting go of views: “Do no think the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. Learn and practice non-attachment from views in order to be open to receive others’ viewpoints”.  To me, this is the most essential practice of peace.