Tag Archives: me

The Authentic Me

Standard

Ive been following a blog called Overexposed and Underdeveloped. I love the many posts they have by many different writers! They have all been talking about work lately and today I really loved  a post by Carmen Farrell..the idea of work being incorporated not as a real job we get paid for but one that helps us be ourselves, the work of being ourselves 100%..You can find that blog here.

This is something i’ve been struggling with my whole life! My husband and I were laying in bed the other night and we had a really long conversation about everything and nothing. He liked me when were were younger. He was my brothers best friend and the thought of dating him wasn’t even in my head. I wanted to know why he liked me then..maybe it would be the same reasons as now. But of coarse im a different person now..he said he liked me mostly because he was surrounded by ass holes and i was so nice to everyone. Yeah that sounds like me still..but im no where near as nice as i used to be. i dont let people walk all over me now..He also said that he liked my laugh then. I said what about my laugh now? My laugh was much higher pitched then. Now its different, more controlled i said. And it made me think of how different i really am from my 15 year old self. I tried to be my best self then but i was riddled with the thoughts of everyone else and tried to please everyone that i could, even myself..but i often ended up unhappy. If i even said a cuss word people looked shocked! My mother even said it wasnt who i was. Now i cuss without hesitation and usually never care..but there are times when i catch myself and wonder if i really am someone who could do without cussing..maybe but i havent stopped. 

I feel like ive been following someone elses lead my whole life. In middle school i desperately wanted to be liked. I left all my friends in Ohio and moved to North Carolina after my Dad died. I didnt know anyone, i was chubby and we weren’t rich so i couldnt get on any sports teams like i played in Ohio. I wanted to be skinny and i even starved myself for months to become so. Then people noticed me and liked me. People commented on how skinny i got and how pretty i was now. But even after all that i still looked at the girls around me, looked at myself, then still wished i were different. I never liked myself and wished i could better, skinnier, prettier. My inner self never mattered to me, just my appearance. I also met a boy who i went to church for and found my Faith in God. I thought by finding God i could be my 100% best. It hasn’t made me that but it has gotten me close, i found a new love for people, for wanting to help and accept all people. I went on mission trips and found a heart for service. I so desperately wanted to save the world. Even after getting that close to being a good me..i still felt empty. I still felt like i needed to impress people. I had to be nice always, choose things based on everyone else’s thoughts and opinions.

High school came around and it was a lot like Middle school. Impressing, being nice. Then i decided not to be..in 10th grade i dated a boy no one liked, he changed me, saw through what everyone else failed to see. i was an imposter. doing what everyone else wanted and not what i really felt i should do. I cussed more and did what i wanted. My mom could not, for the life of her understand why i liked him over other boys i dated. But she let it go. Then we moved back to Ohio. I was like a ghost coming back from the dead and reliving what life was like without me for 5 years. I knew faces and they knew me but no one cared to talk to me, or remember we had once been friends. Until a boy younger than me took notice of me and i him(eventually) and i followed his lead. I started drinking,,something i said id never do..even smoked weed (also thought id die before doing)..my weekends were full of people partying in my house and i loved it! i loved having friends and being surrounded by people and being accepted. I also let go of my soul. It started suffering the moment i said yes to things i knew weren’t in my morals. like smoking and having sex (that i thought meant something at first then just became what we did). I felt like i was spiraling downwards and i didn’t know who i was and i sure wasn’t nice and definitely not my best. 

I went on to college and for the first two years i struggled immensely with the version of myself that i was with that boy, and who i was with the friends i had made there. Of coarse we drank and acted silly but they were the best people i knew! i didnt know why God blessed me with such good people but he did and i was so happy to find them all. But at the other end i was being dragged down fast. It was so emotionally draining that i started getting depressed, then the panic attacks came on quick! back and forth x100000 and finally i stopped and realized i was not going to be who i needed unless i let go. and i did. It was hard but i did it with the help of my family. I finally started feeling good. like myself whoever she was! I started talking to my husband and he helped me see what true love was like, i could tell him anything about me and he never wanted me to change or be anything than the 100% authentic me. 

But being married and now being a wife means i have to consider peoples thoughts and make decisions as a team and frankly i hate it. i like making decisions for them but not for him to make decisions for me! lol

I thought about that laugh i had..i remember it. People always told me i had a cute laugh..it was carefree, spirited, now its controlled. I dont know how to find the 100% authentic me..but this is what i know about her:

  • i love to laugh..even if its controlled
  • I love God even though i dont know where to find him lately. and i dont believe in everthing the bible says or even if jesus is the only way to heaven. i think theres truths in all religions.
  • I definitely hate being told what to do and what my decision will be
  • and by judging all the times i just had to spell check..she cant spell either! lol
  • i wanna serve people and be 100% nice and mean it.
  • i hate when people tell me im wrong or facts are wrong when i know them to be 100% true and when they continue to say im wrong after ive given the evidence that im right!
  • i guess the previous means im stubborn!
  • I love Yoga and Buddhist ideals..even though im not ready to take them on as my own
  • i love being a mom and wife even when it means sacrificing things i want
  • i will sacrifice everything for the people i love
  • i will hold my family together when they want to fall apart
  • i wont pretend to like anyone that i dont but i will be polite because im not mean unless your mean to me first

Day 20 and 21

Standard

Day 20 is a picture of somewhere youd like to travel..i dont want to repeat myself especially since they are all in the dream journal section of my Blog…so check it out! 🙂

so ill skip to Day 21!

A picture of something you wish you could forget

I Know its ridiculous but theres nothing in my life that i wish to forget…i love every moment of my life because it happened, and its made me who i am. Theres not one person who hurt me, no words said, no event that has happened to me that id choose to forget. At some point in my life i chose everything i did. I didnt do it absent mindedly. I chose knowing full well the consequences and how it would effect other people. Theres not a single relationship that i would choose to forget because i wanted to be with that person or friend, but people change and so do our beliefs, needs, and wants. So to do those relationships change, each different in their own ways and each important to who i am.

 

I really do believe everything happens for a reason…And all the choices i wish i had made i forget about them because i know that they werent what was meant for me…I always forgive and i never forget! Even if ive tried to forget things its almost impossible for me because i can picture my memeories as if they were happening right in front of me. I think its one thing i hate! Everything, and all my memories are so vivid that when i remember them i know exactly how i felt in that moment. and i can feel the joy or hurt that that memory causes me and it can make me feel that way the rest of the day…its like they haunt me. weird..i know! lol

 

The Worst Weekend EVER!

Standard

This weekend has been one of the worst in a long time! All of the following things made it so:

  • I work at the Waffle House and every rude person that exists in Columbus chose to come eat this weekend. I got yelled at by an old man who claimed that i shorted him change..when in fact i did not! Customers treated me like i was stupid and asked me several times if i was sure i knew the prices of their food items! Of coarse i do i mean i havent been working there for 8 months or anythingg!!!! THEN today i got shorted a booth in my section because another lady complained that she didnt have enough seating in her section! SO i had less tables than everyone the whole day! I only made $24 today and $5o yesterday! Thats terrible! i used to make $70 or $80 or more! Yesterday half of my tables didnt even tip when i worked my ass off for them! Idk why i work so hard for such little money! Im not even making minumum wage at this rate!
  • Michaels leaving soon on his deployment. Next tuesday to be exact. I know that ill get to see him this weekend but im still sad and its hard imagining not hearing his voice or being able to talk to him whenever i want for 7 months or longer. Lately i have been so emotional about it because ive been tring to ignore that its happening but now ignoring it would be stupid because its happening whether i want it to or not. I feel bad that i get so mad at him lately. Like the other night he had to keep getting off the phone and even if it wasnt his fault i was mad at him regaurdless of knowing it wasnt his fault. Im mad that he was hanging out with his brother bc he sees him everyday and his brothers so mean to him. Or so i told myself.. I realized that im only mad because its hard that i only have a week left of phone calls, texts, and skype and im jealous that his brother gets this unlimited time regardless of what they are doing. I wish i had that time…
  • Im upset that no matter how hard i work i still never have enough money
  • Im upset that im working so hard to graduate early and get ahead but as a result im always tired and never have enough time for my friends…the most leasure time i get is when i sit down and write these blogs. I feel like a terrible friend. I never have a friday or saturday night to spare.
  • I cant even make it to candle light on thursday nights because sometimes I’d rather sleep than praise God.
  • i did all my homework assignments to get ahead and have time to realize im not as ahead as i think i am
  • I feel myself judging the way i look a lot again..when i look in the miror i can see the 15 pounds ive gained since summer and i hate it. I wanna work out, but then theres time! i have no time! im always in class, at work, doing work, writing papers, reading an impossibly large amount of books and pages for class!

 when does it end? When do i start to make time for me? i need to and want to…yet i cant afford to most days…

2011 Better than 2010? I think so!

Standard

What’s the single most important thing you accomplished in 2010? And how do you plan to top it in 2011?

The most important thing I did last year was learning how to love myself first. I have always struggled with loving who i am and the way i look. My self esteem was at an all time low and because of that i didnt love the right way in relationships. Until July i had been in a terrible relationship for the previous 3 years. On and off again, we fought, i drank and smoked because i wanted him to love me…those which are truly the two things i regret in life…he cheated on me repetedly and i took him back everytime..we had nice moments but they became very few in between. He was selfish and mean and never appreciative of all the things i did for him, yet no matter how bad it was i still clung to him..out of fear that i would be alone, out of fear that he wass all i would have, the mere thought that i could be happier was far from my mind..i was scared to be with anyone else because i didnt think anyone else would love me. When i lived with him i believed everything would get better, not worse….and somewhere along the line i started to feel seperate from him..the last time he cheated numbed me. and i finally realized that i deserved better. I had given up so many friends, i turned my back on God and who I KNEW i was all along, but i ignored that because i searched for love in all the wrong places, and in all the wrong people. I dont know how many times i called my sister to come get me and one day i realized i didnt want to go back, and i didnt miss him. I was done crying and all that was left was disapointment. Disapointment in myself for being naive and disapointment that i had allowed myself to be something other than myself. Michael and i had been friends since we were younger and i always asked him for advice because he was the only person i knew i could trust who wouldnt be biased. He made me laugh and asked me what i wanted in an equal…my equal? i had forgotten that that was what i wanted all along…and i finally let go and started to try and be myself again. My mom told me she thought she had lost me and was happy to have me home. It broke my heart that she believed that..and even more that it had been true.  When i started listening to my heart and getting it right with God i could feel a new light within myself, like i had been given a new chance to get life right. God brought me back into the love of my family..my mom rubbed my back everynight and  told me everything would be okay. Michael constantly reminded me of who i was and what it was that i believed. God brought him to me and my life has been ever so blessed like it has never been before. When i came back to school my friends saw a new light in me, they said it seemed like i could breathe again, like i was free to be myself. They were right! i could breathe, and i was breathing as i always had and i loved myself so much more for it.

This year I am planning my wedding. Thats how I will top last year! I am so excited that i have found one person who i know loves me unconditionally, who accepts all that i am and teaches me to continue to be myself apart from him. together we cultivate a relationship that will last for 50 years and longer! lol He is everything to me and while hes on his deployment i will be planning for us to celebrate our love with our friends and family. I cannot wait until he comes home so that we can begin our lives together. I know that i will get stressed out and be sad because hes gone but planning this wedding will remind me that our relationship is more than distance, love transcends that and time. I hope that i make the right descions, that i plan everything so that it reflects mine and Michaels love without a doubt to anyone who attends.

 So far here are my plans lol

I want a vintage wedding. And flowers like these 🙂 i would show what i have in mind for my dress but thats bad luck! But i want it to be all lace and buttoning up the back, with a bridcage veil. I also want either Milk white glass vases (as candleholders) or antique candleabras, as lighting for the tables surrounded by flowers like in the picture above.

I basically want it to look like this if i dont have the antique candleholders. Its so beautiful to me 🙂 and as for the ceremony cite i have fallen in love with The Columbus Park of Roses. And the spiral stair gazebo! So, that will be my year as planned right now!