Ive been following a blog called Overexposed and Underdeveloped. I love the many posts they have by many different writers! They have all been talking about work lately and today I really loved a post by Carmen Farrell..the idea of work being incorporated not as a real job we get paid for but one that helps us be ourselves, the work of being ourselves 100%..You can find that blog here.
This is something i’ve been struggling with my whole life! My husband and I were laying in bed the other night and we had a really long conversation about everything and nothing. He liked me when were were younger. He was my brothers best friend and the thought of dating him wasn’t even in my head. I wanted to know why he liked me then..maybe it would be the same reasons as now. But of coarse im a different person now..he said he liked me mostly because he was surrounded by ass holes and i was so nice to everyone. Yeah that sounds like me still..but im no where near as nice as i used to be. i dont let people walk all over me now..He also said that he liked my laugh then. I said what about my laugh now? My laugh was much higher pitched then. Now its different, more controlled i said. And it made me think of how different i really am from my 15 year old self. I tried to be my best self then but i was riddled with the thoughts of everyone else and tried to please everyone that i could, even myself..but i often ended up unhappy. If i even said a cuss word people looked shocked! My mother even said it wasnt who i was. Now i cuss without hesitation and usually never care..but there are times when i catch myself and wonder if i really am someone who could do without cussing..maybe but i havent stopped.
I feel like ive been following someone elses lead my whole life. In middle school i desperately wanted to be liked. I left all my friends in Ohio and moved to North Carolina after my Dad died. I didnt know anyone, i was chubby and we weren’t rich so i couldnt get on any sports teams like i played in Ohio. I wanted to be skinny and i even starved myself for months to become so. Then people noticed me and liked me. People commented on how skinny i got and how pretty i was now. But even after all that i still looked at the girls around me, looked at myself, then still wished i were different. I never liked myself and wished i could better, skinnier, prettier. My inner self never mattered to me, just my appearance. I also met a boy who i went to church for and found my Faith in God. I thought by finding God i could be my 100% best. It hasn’t made me that but it has gotten me close, i found a new love for people, for wanting to help and accept all people. I went on mission trips and found a heart for service. I so desperately wanted to save the world. Even after getting that close to being a good me..i still felt empty. I still felt like i needed to impress people. I had to be nice always, choose things based on everyone else’s thoughts and opinions.
High school came around and it was a lot like Middle school. Impressing, being nice. Then i decided not to be..in 10th grade i dated a boy no one liked, he changed me, saw through what everyone else failed to see. i was an imposter. doing what everyone else wanted and not what i really felt i should do. I cussed more and did what i wanted. My mom could not, for the life of her understand why i liked him over other boys i dated. But she let it go. Then we moved back to Ohio. I was like a ghost coming back from the dead and reliving what life was like without me for 5 years. I knew faces and they knew me but no one cared to talk to me, or remember we had once been friends. Until a boy younger than me took notice of me and i him(eventually) and i followed his lead. I started drinking,,something i said id never do..even smoked weed (also thought id die before doing)..my weekends were full of people partying in my house and i loved it! i loved having friends and being surrounded by people and being accepted. I also let go of my soul. It started suffering the moment i said yes to things i knew weren’t in my morals. like smoking and having sex (that i thought meant something at first then just became what we did). I felt like i was spiraling downwards and i didn’t know who i was and i sure wasn’t nice and definitely not my best.
I went on to college and for the first two years i struggled immensely with the version of myself that i was with that boy, and who i was with the friends i had made there. Of coarse we drank and acted silly but they were the best people i knew! i didnt know why God blessed me with such good people but he did and i was so happy to find them all. But at the other end i was being dragged down fast. It was so emotionally draining that i started getting depressed, then the panic attacks came on quick! back and forth x100000 and finally i stopped and realized i was not going to be who i needed unless i let go. and i did. It was hard but i did it with the help of my family. I finally started feeling good. like myself whoever she was! I started talking to my husband and he helped me see what true love was like, i could tell him anything about me and he never wanted me to change or be anything than the 100% authentic me.
But being married and now being a wife means i have to consider peoples thoughts and make decisions as a team and frankly i hate it. i like making decisions for them but not for him to make decisions for me! lol
I thought about that laugh i had..i remember it. People always told me i had a cute laugh..it was carefree, spirited, now its controlled. I dont know how to find the 100% authentic me..but this is what i know about her:
- i love to laugh..even if its controlled
- I love God even though i dont know where to find him lately. and i dont believe in everthing the bible says or even if jesus is the only way to heaven. i think theres truths in all religions.
- I definitely hate being told what to do and what my decision will be
- and by judging all the times i just had to spell check..she cant spell either! lol
- i wanna serve people and be 100% nice and mean it.
- i hate when people tell me im wrong or facts are wrong when i know them to be 100% true and when they continue to say im wrong after ive given the evidence that im right!
- i guess the previous means im stubborn!
- I love Yoga and Buddhist ideals..even though im not ready to take them on as my own
- i love being a mom and wife even when it means sacrificing things i want
- i will sacrifice everything for the people i love
- i will hold my family together when they want to fall apart
- i wont pretend to like anyone that i dont but i will be polite because im not mean unless your mean to me first