What’s the single most important thing you accomplished in 2010? And how do you plan to top it in 2011?
The most important thing I did last year was learning how to love myself first. I have always struggled with loving who i am and the way i look. My self esteem was at an all time low and because of that i didnt love the right way in relationships. Until July i had been in a terrible relationship for the previous 3 years. On and off again, we fought, i drank and smoked because i wanted him to love me…those which are truly the two things i regret in life…he cheated on me repetedly and i took him back everytime..we had nice moments but they became very few in between. He was selfish and mean and never appreciative of all the things i did for him, yet no matter how bad it was i still clung to him..out of fear that i would be alone, out of fear that he wass all i would have, the mere thought that i could be happier was far from my mind..i was scared to be with anyone else because i didnt think anyone else would love me. When i lived with him i believed everything would get better, not worse….and somewhere along the line i started to feel seperate from him..the last time he cheated numbed me. and i finally realized that i deserved better. I had given up so many friends, i turned my back on God and who I KNEW i was all along, but i ignored that because i searched for love in all the wrong places, and in all the wrong people. I dont know how many times i called my sister to come get me and one day i realized i didnt want to go back, and i didnt miss him. I was done crying and all that was left was disapointment. Disapointment in myself for being naive and disapointment that i had allowed myself to be something other than myself. Michael and i had been friends since we were younger and i always asked him for advice because he was the only person i knew i could trust who wouldnt be biased. He made me laugh and asked me what i wanted in an equal…my equal? i had forgotten that that was what i wanted all along…and i finally let go and started to try and be myself again. My mom told me she thought she had lost me and was happy to have me home. It broke my heart that she believed that..and even more that it had been true. When i started listening to my heart and getting it right with God i could feel a new light within myself, like i had been given a new chance to get life right. God brought me back into the love of my family..my mom rubbed my back everynight and told me everything would be okay. Michael constantly reminded me of who i was and what it was that i believed. God brought him to me and my life has been ever so blessed like it has never been before. When i came back to school my friends saw a new light in me, they said it seemed like i could breathe again, like i was free to be myself. They were right! i could breathe, and i was breathing as i always had and i loved myself so much more for it.
This year I am planning my wedding. Thats how I will top last year! I am so excited that i have found one person who i know loves me unconditionally, who accepts all that i am and teaches me to continue to be myself apart from him. together we cultivate a relationship that will last for 50 years and longer! lol He is everything to me and while hes on his deployment i will be planning for us to celebrate our love with our friends and family. I cannot wait until he comes home so that we can begin our lives together. I know that i will get stressed out and be sad because hes gone but planning this wedding will remind me that our relationship is more than distance, love transcends that and time. I hope that i make the right descions, that i plan everything so that it reflects mine and Michaels love without a doubt to anyone who attends.
So far here are my plans lol
I want a vintage wedding. And flowers like these 🙂 i would show what i have in mind for my dress but thats bad luck! But i want it to be all lace and buttoning up the back, with a bridcage veil. I also want either Milk white glass vases (as candleholders) or antique candleabras, as lighting for the tables surrounded by flowers like in the picture above.
I basically want it to look like this if i dont have the antique candleholders. Its so beautiful to me 🙂 and as for the ceremony cite i have fallen in love with The Columbus Park of Roses. And the spiral stair gazebo! So, that will be my year as planned right now!