Daily post topic # 39 What is something you believed in, until an experience changed your mind?
I always believed that love was enough. That with enough love it could heal a relationship, heal hearts, change someone…but it isnt. No matter how much i loved someone and tried to show them that i did it was never enough. It wasnt enough to heal the brokeness of our relationship, it wasnt enough to close the distance between us, it wasnt enough to change their ideas or preconceived notions…it didnt change the people they wanted to be. Ultimately the love i was trying to shovel out only hurt me in return because i was giving so much but not getting anything in return. Everything that i believed changed so fast and became something of a disapointment to me..disapointed that for once Love didnt conquer all.
And thats how it goes…sometimes lust, greed,differences, drugs and alcohol win dramatically over love..It makes us feel like were not enough. But thats not the truth! We are enough, our love is great but the person we give our love to is not. Sometimes they cant see what we offer only until its gone! Then they want what we have to give, then they want our love. Why cant love be enough before we get tired of giving and giving and giving? People are so consumed by their own desires and wants that they forget to include ours…and then its too late. Goodbye you and Hello to someone new! Maybe that someone new is ourselves…Hello to hurt, anger and disapointment that transforms our hearts, heals them and allows for happiness to come through. Its a dreadful experience, with tears and lonliness. But one that allowed me to seal that giant world shaped hole in my heart with God. With pure love. One that comes from friends who still love you and family who always had.
Ive found this notion of love not being enough in my relationships in the past but also with friends. Sometimes love isnt enough to keep these going, togetherness does…and that ultimately determines if love will conquer.
This weekend has been one of the worst in a long time! All of the following things made it so:
- I work at the Waffle House and every rude person that exists in Columbus chose to come eat this weekend. I got yelled at by an old man who claimed that i shorted him change..when in fact i did not! Customers treated me like i was stupid and asked me several times if i was sure i knew the prices of their food items! Of coarse i do i mean i havent been working there for 8 months or anythingg!!!! THEN today i got shorted a booth in my section because another lady complained that she didnt have enough seating in her section! SO i had less tables than everyone the whole day! I only made $24 today and $5o yesterday! Thats terrible! i used to make $70 or $80 or more! Yesterday half of my tables didnt even tip when i worked my ass off for them! Idk why i work so hard for such little money! Im not even making minumum wage at this rate!
- Michaels leaving soon on his deployment. Next tuesday to be exact. I know that ill get to see him this weekend but im still sad and its hard imagining not hearing his voice or being able to talk to him whenever i want for 7 months or longer. Lately i have been so emotional about it because ive been tring to ignore that its happening but now ignoring it would be stupid because its happening whether i want it to or not. I feel bad that i get so mad at him lately. Like the other night he had to keep getting off the phone and even if it wasnt his fault i was mad at him regaurdless of knowing it wasnt his fault. Im mad that he was hanging out with his brother bc he sees him everyday and his brothers so mean to him. Or so i told myself.. I realized that im only mad because its hard that i only have a week left of phone calls, texts, and skype and im jealous that his brother gets this unlimited time regardless of what they are doing. I wish i had that time…
- Im upset that no matter how hard i work i still never have enough money
- Im upset that im working so hard to graduate early and get ahead but as a result im always tired and never have enough time for my friends…the most leasure time i get is when i sit down and write these blogs. I feel like a terrible friend. I never have a friday or saturday night to spare.
- I cant even make it to candle light on thursday nights because sometimes I’d rather sleep than praise God.
- i did all my homework assignments to get ahead and have time to realize im not as ahead as i think i am
- I feel myself judging the way i look a lot again..when i look in the miror i can see the 15 pounds ive gained since summer and i hate it. I wanna work out, but then theres time! i have no time! im always in class, at work, doing work, writing papers, reading an impossibly large amount of books and pages for class!
when does it end? When do i start to make time for me? i need to and want to…yet i cant afford to most days…
What’s the single most important thing you accomplished in 2010? And how do you plan to top it in 2011?
The most important thing I did last year was learning how to love myself first. I have always struggled with loving who i am and the way i look. My self esteem was at an all time low and because of that i didnt love the right way in relationships. Until July i had been in a terrible relationship for the previous 3 years. On and off again, we fought, i drank and smoked because i wanted him to love me…those which are truly the two things i regret in life…he cheated on me repetedly and i took him back everytime..we had nice moments but they became very few in between. He was selfish and mean and never appreciative of all the things i did for him, yet no matter how bad it was i still clung to him..out of fear that i would be alone, out of fear that he wass all i would have, the mere thought that i could be happier was far from my mind..i was scared to be with anyone else because i didnt think anyone else would love me. When i lived with him i believed everything would get better, not worse….and somewhere along the line i started to feel seperate from him..the last time he cheated numbed me. and i finally realized that i deserved better. I had given up so many friends, i turned my back on God and who I KNEW i was all along, but i ignored that because i searched for love in all the wrong places, and in all the wrong people. I dont know how many times i called my sister to come get me and one day i realized i didnt want to go back, and i didnt miss him. I was done crying and all that was left was disapointment. Disapointment in myself for being naive and disapointment that i had allowed myself to be something other than myself. Michael and i had been friends since we were younger and i always asked him for advice because he was the only person i knew i could trust who wouldnt be biased. He made me laugh and asked me what i wanted in an equal…my equal? i had forgotten that that was what i wanted all along…and i finally let go and started to try and be myself again. My mom told me she thought she had lost me and was happy to have me home. It broke my heart that she believed that..and even more that it had been true. When i started listening to my heart and getting it right with God i could feel a new light within myself, like i had been given a new chance to get life right. God brought me back into the love of my family..my mom rubbed my back everynight and told me everything would be okay. Michael constantly reminded me of who i was and what it was that i believed. God brought him to me and my life has been ever so blessed like it has never been before. When i came back to school my friends saw a new light in me, they said it seemed like i could breathe again, like i was free to be myself. They were right! i could breathe, and i was breathing as i always had and i loved myself so much more for it.
This year I am planning my wedding. Thats how I will top last year! I am so excited that i have found one person who i know loves me unconditionally, who accepts all that i am and teaches me to continue to be myself apart from him. together we cultivate a relationship that will last for 50 years and longer! lol He is everything to me and while hes on his deployment i will be planning for us to celebrate our love with our friends and family. I cannot wait until he comes home so that we can begin our lives together. I know that i will get stressed out and be sad because hes gone but planning this wedding will remind me that our relationship is more than distance, love transcends that and time. I hope that i make the right descions, that i plan everything so that it reflects mine and Michaels love without a doubt to anyone who attends.
So far here are my plans lol
I want a vintage wedding. And flowers like these 🙂 i would show what i have in mind for my dress but thats bad luck! But i want it to be all lace and buttoning up the back, with a bridcage veil. I also want either Milk white glass vases (as candleholders) or antique candleabras, as lighting for the tables surrounded by flowers like in the picture above.
I basically want it to look like this if i dont have the antique candleholders. Its so beautiful to me 🙂 and as for the ceremony cite i have fallen in love with The Columbus Park of Roses. And the spiral stair gazebo! So, that will be my year as planned right now!